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Okay..so...

Everyone knows that I'm now single after a 5 and a half year relationship with my ex. I have a ton of work to do on myself and my life, now..at this point. I have a decent job but it's nothing I'd consider a career, I have tons of emotional baggage, physical baggage (twin boys, who I absolutely love more than anything else on Earth), trust issues, anger issues, areas I can improve in terms of my physical health and athleticism and I think most importantly my outlook on life.

I have a lot of things to take care of, and I feel like going celibate for one year might give me clarity of mind enough that this might be doable. I'll be the first to admit I have deep rooted misogynistic tendencies and that I don't think I can have a meaningful relationship as long as some of the issues I listed aren't being addressed. I think casual sex and friends with benefits can work for some people who are in a better state of mind, assuming everyone is on the same page about what the expectations are and where the other person is coming from.


I also know that that's not the life that I want for myself and it's not the example I want to set for my children. If I were to ever find myself in a position where a long term relationship were likely, I'd be incredibly hesitant about introducing any potential significant other to my children, and vice versa.


I just wanna know if any of you guys have ever undertaken something like this, despite having opportunities..and if you have any advice or anything..or I don't really know what this thread is about, really.


What are your personal thoughts about remaining celibate while someone is figuring their life and their issues out?

Brawlsack

Taking an extended hiatus from gaming

as someone who had a fwb who had a lot of emotional baggage that resulted in her becoming overly-attached to me, i think it might not be the worst idea in the world

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sunshine.kittens.bubblegum.happythoughts

You're only cheating on yourself!


Seriously though, if you're a mess, being celibate is easy, and necessary.

I dunno about easy, but I'll agree that it's necessary. It's a decision I've realized over time for a long time now since the breakup, but today is when I actually actively decided to put it into motion. So it's a lot easier to talk about doing it on the same day you've made the decision, but I'm going with it.

Brawlsack

Taking an extended hiatus from gaming

I'm still married and I haven't been in this situation, but these are just my thoughts if I were to find myself in your shoes one day...

I'd approach the FWB cautiously. Would getting your dick wet somehow make your anger, pain, resentment and whatever other emotions disappear forever? Would it help you identify all the problems (both yours and hers) so you could learn from your past relationship? Could it lead to a 'rebound' relationship where you're jumping in only to help cover your emotions? Also, like you mentioned, do you want this to be the example for your children? I'd think the healthiest way to approach this to cope with the feelings, accept the outcome and find a way to learn from it all. If one could turn their experience into a process of learning about oneself and, even as the catalyst to bring about some personal change, then I think they'd be ready to move on... but I just don't see how hooking up with the next girl is going to make anything better. You could rub one out for the same ending, you know.

If it were me, I'd think I'd try to find a constructive outlet for the feelings... hiking, exercising, painting, writing, music, college, etc. Maybe find a way where you and your oldest son could bond by doing some of those activities together -- like both of you taking guitar lessons or going on hikes in the mountains? Maybe contact discussion/support group where you guys could all learn from each other? A therapist?

Human social equilibrium reasserts itself

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

By easy I'm saying that no woman that YOUD want to fuck with will want to fuck with you while you're a mess.

But the second you get a girlfriend they'll all be on your nuts.

Stop using scary big words and complicated sociology theories. My brain is only this big <-->

Brawlsack

Taking an extended hiatus from gaming

I never chose to be celibate, but after my first real relationship (almost 5 years) ended while I was in college...I had no idea how to get a woman into the sack. I also had no motivation as I was only concerned with drinking and smoking until I could forget about her. I had a lot of misogynistic feelings and was in a fraternity....so we'd have functions with sororities and I felt only contempt, and uneasiness/fear when it came to women.

It was good for me, in hindsight.

I think you're right to try this. May not be easy, as maybe you aren't as socially inept at this point as I was when I first had to deal with becoming single.

dat shiii is easy unless you have women throwing pussy at you. So much pussy you're swimming in it, have to wear floaties and have a life guard on duty.

You just take that energy and invest it into yourself/things you like and who knows.

My relationship wasn't nearly as long nor were kids involved (least kids of my own) so I may just be talking out of my ass.

If you improve upon yourself, you'll be that much more likely to find someone down the road or even someone better than you'd think.

When in doubt, refer to the below. Make it your wallpaper so you never forget.

Lol'd at first line. And you're definitely not talking out of your ass. Just because you haven't been through my situation in the first person doesn't mean you can't project your reality into mine and imagine how you'd feel.

I appreciate everyone's posts. I left work last night halfway through my shift because I was an emotional trainwreck and I've been crying all day since.

Brawlsack

Taking an extended hiatus from gaming

this is so beta, dude. people break up. people make mistakes. people get dumped. people cheat. it doesn't have to turn into some grandiose reaffirmation of self. you should already know yourself. fucking chicks, not fucking chicks. who gives a shit? put your shoes on and walk, man. move forward and stop thinking so goddamn much.

Easier said than done. Especially if the chick gave you two sons and you were completely in love with her.

I know I was crushed when my first relationship ended because I drew far too much of my self worth from it. Being single made me stronger.

Fuse these two suggestions.

If a woman on your mind slows the process of putting on your shoes, get a new pair of shoes. Edit: Idk wtf it's like to have children so maybe you should take a lesson from Louie.

why do people spend their entire lives assigning importance to events based on their present understanding of the world and their level of self-actualization? there is no, "i was crushed." there is only, "i crushed myself."