Thanks for the responses! It's definitely something I work on and continue to.
It's this struggle because part of the jealousy gives me this weird masochistic inquisitive thing. My brain wants to know details, even though it will only make it worse. "What have you done with him, how was it, where was it, why? Were you drunk?......." on and on. As if knowing all the details would make me deal with it better. I've learned then when those thoughts creep in the best thing to do is to stop them...repeat something unrelated in my head, focus on something else, and it will pass.
The funny thing about turning it into an Ego thing is that while it helps sometimes...it actually hurts other times. I've gotten angry before because I'm like "look at this guy, he's such a tool, he didn't treat her well at all, I'm smarter and more successful than this guy....and there was a time when she thought HE was the best? What does that say about me? What does that say about her decision making abilities?"
I've always hated when assholes get girls...it makes me lose respect for women that would ever be with such bastards. To that end, it makes me angry at her. But, I've been with terrible women before too...so Cally's right, switching the roles can be helpful.
I guess the two takeaways are:
1.) Stop thinking so much (especially when it's toxic)
2.) She's with me now...that's all that matters
Easier said than done, unfortunately.
Aestu wrote:
Why not? It happened whether you talk about it or not. If the relationship is open and equivocal in the here and now, why is the topic of your romantic past cause for shame or discouragement?
I think this corroborates my initial perception that really people are nervous about being "the next cattle down the chute".
See what I wrote above. When I already have insecurities and don't like thinking about it. How does talking about it at length help anything? All it does is paint a clearer picture. It's like a movie. Imagine having to watch a movie in your head of the person you love with someone else (perhaps someone you despise)....every detail makes the picture that much clearer. For me...it makes what's going on in my head almost too much to bear.
Yes, the past is important if idk, she had diseases or had some kind of intense trauma. But just like my past...we learn from it, we move on. Some people are cool with "airing out all the laundry" -- and perhaps I'd want to know if there were something absurd (like if she had been in a porno or something haha)....but if it was just her relationship with her Ex? The details don't seem to help.
