Stupid things when I was a kid!? Eh, where do I start?
I had my bike stolen by some kid in the neighborhood we called 'Bad Jon'... so, one day he decided to bring my bike back while I was at the baby sitters house. I saw all his older friends down the road so I didn't think anything of it. He extended his hand to shake saying something like, "No hard feelings"... I extended my hand... then he grabbed it, pulled me towards him following with a left hook which connected hard against my face. I went inside crying to the baby sitter and she said, "You probably deserved it."
I was scared of Chucky when I was a kid.
When I was younger I was into table-top games like Warhammer and I enjoyed painting my models. One day I spilled a vial of red paint on my bedroom carpet and I knew my dad would wreck me for destroying the carpet... so, I made a panic mode decision and poured bleach on the carpet because the commercial said it gets stains out of whites. (Carpet was sand colored.) So, then I had a red dot with a giant white stain around it. I rearranged my room and covered the spot with my bed for years. Dunno if my parents found out.
When I'd get grounded my parents would force me to box up all my toys, games and whatever else would make me smile. They would lock it away and only give me books to read for enjoyment. This sucked, so I would sneak upstairs before they got home to watch TV. I'd note which channel the TV was set to and watch whatever, setting the TV back to that channel when I saw my parents pull into the driveway. They would come in the house and see if I was in my room... then they would ask if I watched TV. I would say No, but they would feel the back of the TV for warmth to catch me in a lie. They never called me out on that though... which is weird.
When I was in 6th grade, I forged a report card. I found a bill in the filing cabinet with my dads signature so I placed it on my report card and traced his line with a mechanical pencil, leaving an indentation on my report card. Then, I traced the indentation with a pen and made an identical copy to take back to the teacher. My parents found out because their friend asked how I did on my report card... so, my parents came home and asked about it... and I eventually cracked and told them what I did. The next day I had a meeting with my parents, the principal, vice principal, counselors, security guard and my teachers... and they all sat at one end of the table and I was at the head slouched in my seat. My dad said, "Tell them what you did." And as I started to speak he thundered, "STAND UP!" So I stood up and started crying because I was so ashamed of what I did... but I told them and yea.
There was another day in 8th grade when I decided to raise my fist to my mom. She said, "Oh, you want to raise your fist to someone?" She called my dad at work and let him know. About 20 minutes later I saw him pull into the driveway... so, I locked my door. He came down stairs and tried to open it... but when he realized it was locked, he straight up kicked it in and grabbed me. I seriously got my ass handled, complete with a neck-throw across the living room into a ceramic flower pot stand which shattered as my body slammed into it.
8th grade, I talked shit to some kid and he found me after school. He wanted to fight me in my friends yard and I stepped outside to stand up to him. He pushed me once and I said, "Push me again and see what happens!" He pushed me again so I stepped toward him swinging with a quick right... and he kinda dodged it by moving his head to the side like in some damn anime. I remember thinking as my fist was sliding past his head, "Oh, shit." I felt like time slowed down all Matrix-styled... then he followed with a jab to my face. We fought for about 10 minutes until he got on top of me in a ditch and started throwing knees toward my face. I was guarded pretty well so I was fine... but then my friend pulled the dude off me and we went our separate ways. My face was bruised a bit but nothing too bad... so when I went home my dad saw me in the kitchen and he asked, "What happened to your face?" And I said, "I got into a fight with some kid and he whooped my ass pretty good." Then my dad yelled at me and said, "Your mother and I didn't pay all that money for martial arts lessons for you to get your ass kicked." Then he sent me to my room. I always thought that was a weird response.
Sometime in high school I stole a street sign. My dad found it and had me call the cops to return it. He said someones tax dollars paid for that and it wasn't mine to take. The cop was playing bad-guy too, saying he could give me whatever tickets for theft. In the end, he took the sign. I guess that's when I learned not to fuck with other peoples stuff.
During the summer months we would play manhunt outside... we'd get a couple dozen kids in the neighborhood together and play a giant game of hide and seek where you could hide anywhere within two blocks of the house. My house was the base that time so everyone was hanging around the front yard waiting for everyone to be found. Then, this little Mexican kid from up the road, Pablo, decided he should piss in the road in front of my house. I warned him to not do it but he did anyways, so I grabbed a trashcan from the curb and threw it at him harder than I knew I could. He got hit, pissed all over himself and was knocked down. Then his older brother came at me and we started brawling in the road. This time I didn't get the shit kicked out of me!
December, 11th grade - I would drive around the neighborhood putting lawn ornaments in compromising positions. The light-up reindeer were my favorite because they were easy to mount on each other. My dad thought it was funny and one day asked if I knew who was doing it. Since he was humored I figured it was safe to say it was me... then he got mad at me for messing with other peoples property.
At some point in HS, I hooked up with this fat chick. She was dating one of the star football players. She was talking about her experience with one of her friends via note passing. She left one of the notes in her purse. Her boyfriend found the note. He came to my friends house with the football team looking for me. My friend said he didn't know where I was (which was a lie because I was hiding in the basement.) They left. I called my crew in case they wanted to all jump me. The second time they came back I answered the door and this girl was standing there - she was a friend of mine, actually. She said, "You can come out... I took all the knives from them this time." She opened her purse and sure enough there were knives there. Eventually he and I talked and he wanted to know what happened... so I told him. They broke up soon after that... but yea, that was pretty scary.
Freshman year of college (winter break) I was driving around with my friends and we found a giant, wooden snowman figure on the median of some road. We jacked him from the median and thought we should hang him from the giant G for the Giant grocery store. So, I park behind the Giant store and we find a way up. We're on the building kinda walking around and stuff then I decided to climb down and get the snowman. As I'm climbing back up the building with this heavy snowman in one hand I see some headlights come up behind me with a spotlight shining on me. I look over my shoulder and saw it was a cop so I jump off the ladder and hit the ground running. I dove under a parked trailer by the Giant loading dock and I hear the cop yelling, "Freeze, come out with your hands up!" I saw he had his gun drawn so I came out. He arrested me and put me in the back of his car.
My friends at this point are on the building watching all this unfold so they lay low and just wait it out. The cop keeps asking me if anyone else was up there and I was like, "Nope." He asked why I was out that late at night and I made up some story about going to a party with some friends and how they were my ride home but they got drunk so I had to walk... which would've been about a 7 mile walk or so. The cop bought it so he offered to give me a ride home. It was late and cold so I took him up on his offer... then we talked about skateboarding on the way to my house. When we pulled up I saw the living room light was on... and then I saw someone look outside. Yea, it was my dad. He asked why I was being brought home by the cops and I was straight-up honest with him and he just told me to go to bed because it was late. I called my friend a little later so he could drive me to the Giant and pick up my car which was parked right next to the cop the whole time he was detaining me. (If he matched up where I went to school with the sticker on the car I would've been screwed.)
Erm. I was pulled over three times for doing stupid things and I didn't get a ticket either time.
1) I was pissed at my wife (g/f at the time) and I went driving to blow off some steam at 3AM. I got picked up doing 95 in a 45 down Rt. 1 - The cop saw I had a skateboard in the back and he talked to me about how he used to skate... then he said he understands women can be a pain in the ass and he let me go.
2) I was running late to a final so I was speeding down the highway doing about 95-100mph. I noticed a car started following me as I was weaving in and out of traffic so I thought he wanted to race... so I got a little faster and more aggressive. After a couple miles of that he turned on his lights and revealed he was an unmarked cop car. He pulled me over and asked if I knew how fast I was going... I told him I was probably doing a bit over 95mph. I told him I was running late for a final exam and he said, "Didn't you think to leave sooner" and I said, "Yea, I did but I had to get gas so that didn't work like I expected." I also explained that tardiness comes with a minus 10% on the exam and I needed that 10%. Then he ran my license and told me he doesn't want to respond to an accident where he is scrapping my dead body off the highway and he told me to drive carefully. He followed me all the way to school and once I pulled into the parking lot he waved, said, "Good luck on your exam" and drove away.
3) Me and my jap friend just went to McDonalds and were on our way to a buddy's house. He lived on a major road in the neighborhood right across from a school... so, I'm driving along and my jap friend sees a cop come over the hill. He says, "Yo, it's the po-lease." And I said, "I don't give a fuck about no po-lease." Yea, I even made the gangsta hand signs and shit. So, I decided to speed up a bit... maybe to about 40mph in a 25mph School Zone. I pulled into my friends driveway before the cop could get there and as I was getting out of my car, the cop pulls in the driveway after me and was yelling for me to get back in my car. So, he came over and started bitching and he was like, "You know yer speeding in a school zone?! There are kids and stuff around here!" And I said something smart like, "Schools out for the summer and kids shouldn't be playing in the road anyways." He harassed me some more and went about his way. That was the day I learned cops could radar people while both vehicles were in motion.
