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ignayshus · **Posted:** Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:30 pm

Dvergar wrote:

Quote:

I just want to wait a bit before contacting her again

Wait too long and you'll be shaking hands with the meathead douchebag who's plowing her because she didn't think you were interested.

This.

Statistically it's more advantageous to be forward with a person. If they're interested, they are; and if they aren't, no amount of beating around the bush (pun intended tyvm) is going to change that.

Jubbergun · **Posted:** Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:31 pm

Azelma wrote:

So, long story short, there's this girl named Lisa who recently moved to Chicago a few months ago. We were friends in high school (we were in theatre together). She had a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend...so it was never anything more than friends. A few times she called me and we chatted about her issues with her guy. We hung out literally once in college (she went to school on Virginia, I stayed in state at Ohio State)...we went to Chipotle and talked about life.

Randomly, she moved here, and of course I texted her. I'd always thought she was very pretty, and we always got along well...so I was like...hey friends, let's hang out.

How "randomly" is randomly? How did you find out she had moved there? Did she know you lived there?

It just seems a wee bit odd to me that someone who went to school in VA just deciding one day move to Chicago out of the blue...not even counting how most people return home or close to it.

Azelma wrote:

We got brunch. Then we met up and watched the Ohio State bowl game. I invited her out to this pub crawl, but she was sick so she canceled. I was disappointed, but then last night she texted me and we met up again to watch an Ohio State bball game.

Here's my problem...I'm having feelings for this girl. These feelings get stronger each time I hang out with her. We are both single, but I am seriously doubting that I could ever get out of the "friend zone." We haven't discussed other boys/girls (I've been careful to avoid this topic...as that's a sure 'friend zone' thing to discuss)...and I haven't gone shopping with her or anything that would outright indicate that I might as well be her gay friend.

What makes you think you're in the "friend zone?" When you spent time together before, you were both obligated to someone else, and during college you were too far apart. Unless there's something you haven't mentioned, it sounds to me like you're making assumptions.

Azelma wrote:

I've tried to flirt with her a bit (initiating physical contact), she doesn't ever pull away or get awkward, but she never really initiates physical contact. I make her laugh a lot, intentionally. IDK.

We've also split the check every time but one...where I was kinda drunk and just paid the whole thing.

If she's not giving you queues that what you're doing is wrong...forge ahead. If she's laughing with you, that's a good sign. I split the check with lots of women I've dated. It's their way of telling themselves they're not fucking you in exchange for dinner/drinks.

Azelma wrote:

TLDR:

Is it possible to get out of the friend zone? If so, how?? Anyone have "friend zone" stories that could help me here?

Does it sound like I'm in the friend zone without any hope of getting out of it?

I realize slow and steady wins the race...I'm just trying to keep hanging out with her as friends...but I'm worried that I could keep liking her more and more...and if it won't work out anyway, I'll just end up feeling like shit.

You're not in the friend zone. You're going to put yourself there, though, if you don't ask her to do something that isn't buddy stuff. Slow and steady doesn't win anything. If she's interested, strike while the iron is hot. She has already decided whether she either likes you or ist completely repulsed at the idea of you putting your penis in her, and "slow and steady" doesn't get you anything good. She'll either lose interest, or she'll decide that you not making a move is a reflection of you thinking there is something wrong with her, and she'll be hurt and/or pissed.

Azelma wrote:

Side note: She currently holds 2 part time jobs and is looking for a full time job in Chicago. However, she's also interviewing at a place in Virginia. Part of me wonders if it's best to wait til she gets a full time job here, because then she'll be here permanently which would up my chances of success and remove the whole "I'd go out with you...but i'm in a transitional period" bullshit.

If you want her to stay, give her a reason. I still think it's weird she moved to Chi-Town with no job lined up.

Azelma wrote:

INB4: STFU Azelma, and No one cares

Stop asking internet losers for girl advice...you internet loser.

Azelma wrote:

I did buy her drinks the second time we hung out. She was going to split the tab, and I just handed the waitress my card and took care of the bill.

Last night when we hung out, we split the bill...but I took a larger portion, as she was trying to figure out how to divide it 50/50 I was like "eh whatever" and put a 20 down. She was like "that's not 50/50 but okay" with a smile.

That's what people in law enforcement would refer to as "a clue." If she was friend-zoning you, she would insist on splitting the check.

Azelma wrote:

I've been trying to change the way she views me subtly - with aforementioned eye contact/physical contact. I also have specifically avoided any current discussion of how her love life is going, etc...pretty much avoiding the typical "friend zone" subjects. I also have been getting to know her better intentionally - like i'll ask about what she likes, talk about her "do you have any allergies" etc. etc. The advantage I've had is that we were never OMG BFFs in high school...and we didn't chill at all in college. So, in a sense, hanging out with her is still "new"

The big thing was last night I insisted on walking her to her bus stop, my subway stop was a block away. We were there for a few minutes and she was like "blah blah I don't want you to miss your train" so I bounced...I texted her later to make sure she got home safe, she responded well. I basically tried to reinforce the fact that I'm a gentleman.

It really does sound like you're over-thinking things. I think she is, if not interested, at least open to the idea of things progressing. Push your luck.

Azelma wrote:

Callysta wrote:

Create a new beginning by telling her "Hey, I like you. Lets go out to dinner sometime."

Judging from what I'm reading here...and just thinking about the whole situation, I think you're right. I need to think of another nonchalant way of going out with her...then at the end of that, I'll ask her out officially. True, worst that can happen is I lose a minor friend. I just want to wait a bit before contacting her again, gotta let things simmer a bit more.

Forget the nonchalant part, just call her in a day or two and tell her you want to take her to dinner. Not that you want her to go to dinner with you, or that you want to go to dinner together, but that YOU want to TAKE HER to dinner. Dinner, not a movie, or a bar, someplace quiet where there are no distractions and you'll be able to hear each other. Don't let your expectations get away from you and put too much pressure on yourself. Shit will happen as it happens. If you want her to know you're interested, take her home with you. Have drinks there. Leave the TV off and see where it goes.

Your Pal,
Jubber

Joklem · **Posted:** Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:37 pm

Mistake #2: analysis and fucking tactical planning with prediction of human behaviour as a goal.

Weena · **Posted:** Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:50 pm

dek wrote:

Akiina wrote:

And if need be, Akina will offer her services to beat this girl up for you. Trust me, she wants to hit someone with her crowbar.

Akiina Freeman

Jubbergun · **Posted:** Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:00 pm

Joklem wrote:

Mistake #2: analysis and fucking tactical planning with prediction of human behaviour as a goal.

People are imminently predictable. That's why you can easily take control of any situation by not behaving as other people expect. They don't know how to cope when you don't respond as they expect. The average person is all about routine. That's why brand loyalty is so important in marketing. Most people never vary the route they take to work every day. If you're suggesting that human behavior is completely unpredictable and you can't plan for it, you're giving people way too much credit.

Your Pal,
Jubber

Joklem · **Posted:** Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:22 pm

Jubbergun wrote:

Joklem wrote:

Mistake #2: analysis and fucking tactical planning with prediction of human behaviour as a goal.

People are imminently predictable. That's why you can easily take control of any situation by not behaving as other people expect. They don't know how to cope when you don't respond as they expect. The average person is all about routine. That's why brand loyalty is so important in marketing. Most people never vary the route they take to work every day. If you're suggesting that human behavior is completely unpredictable and you can't plan for it, you're giving people way too much credit.

Your Pal,
Jubber

Right. Do you think that you should do that with a love interest like he's doing though? What ultimately happens when you're in his situation and behave as you wouldn't otherwise with a goal in mind? :mrgreen:

We all know that testicles lead to irrational thinking. "So I have strong feelings for this girl.... she doesnt seem to but I want her to.... here's a scheme and if she doesn't go along with it then fuck it!". If I had a dime...

Nah, go straight for "fuck it", pick the meaning.

Jubbergun · **Posted:** Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:47 pm

Joklem wrote:

Jubbergun wrote:

Joklem wrote:

Mistake #2: analysis and fucking tactical planning with prediction of human behaviour as a goal.

People are imminently predictable. That's why you can easily take control of any situation by not behaving as other people expect. They don't know how to cope when you don't respond as they expect. The average person is all about routine. That's why brand loyalty is so important in marketing. Most people never vary the route they take to work every day. If you're suggesting that human behavior is completely unpredictable and you can't plan for it, you're giving people way too much credit.

Your Pal,
Jubber

Right. Do you think that you should do that with a love interest like he's doing though?

He absolutely should. Just because romance and/or emotions are involved doesn't mean you shouldn't apply your intellect to achieve your goals. If his goal were to simply slip her the sausage, you could argue that his behavior is abusive or predatory (though I would disagree).

Joklem wrote:

What ultimately happens when you're in his situation and behave as you wouldn't otherwise with a goal in mind? :mrgreen:

If I have to behave as I otherwise wouldn't in order to get a woman's interest, that's generally an indication that she's not worth the effort. That's not to say I haven't done it, but when I have, it wasn't with the goal of keeping her in my life indefinitely.

Joklem wrote:

We all know that testicles lead to irrational thinking. "So I have strong feelings for this girl.... she doesnt seem to but I want her to.... here's a scheme and if she doesn't go along with it then fuck it!". If I had a dime...

Nah, go straight for "fuck it", pick the meaning.

Does it really matter why he's interested, whether it's a purely romantic/cerebral connection, or because he wants to toss her the bone and she's agreeable enough besides that? "Scheme" is just a synonym for "plan" with negative connotations. Success, whether it's in business or personal endeavors, usually doesn't happen by accident. Developing a "scheme" is the least you can do if you're serious about the object of your lust/affection.

"If she doesn't go along with it, fuck it," is great advice. Getting hung up on one girl, at least when she's clearly not interested, will cause you to miss opportunities with others.

Your Pal,
Jubber

Joklem · **Posted:** Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:54 pm

This is why I don't usually think about this shit. There's more probability involved than card counting.

Quittermike · **Posted:** Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:26 pm

Azelma wrote:

then at the end of that, I'll ask her out officially.

I'm not in highschool and what is this

Necrachilles wrote:

I prefer the Akward Zone

This is my bread and butter zone. Need any tips?

Azmaria · **Posted:** Thu Jan 27, 2011 1:35 am

You just want people to tell you what you want to hear, so I will.

Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.
Azelma, she wants you and your penis.

Azelma · **Posted:** Thu Jan 27, 2011 1:51 am

Azmaria wrote:

I AM SO PUMPED UP NOW! <3

dek · **Posted:** Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:53 am

Joklem wrote:

People get caught in the friend zone by overthinking and forgetting that the friend zone is the starting point of reference, it either works up from there or it doesn't.

I disagree. A girl will either view you as an object of sexuality or not when she first meets you, and the "friend zone" is when she decides not. It has little to do with her conscious mind, it's more how you present yourself. You can change that view but you have to either do it early, or it has to come from some event that shakes things up to the point that she finds herself reevaluating things around her.

dek · **Posted:** Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:56 am

Jubbergun wrote:

Joklem wrote:

Mistake #2: analysis and fucking tactical planning with prediction of human behaviour as a goal.

People are imminently predictable. That's why you can easily take control of any situation by not behaving as other people expect. They don't know how to cope when you don't respond as they expect. The average person is all about routine. That's why brand loyalty is so important in marketing. Most people never vary the route they take to work every day. If you're suggesting that human behavior is completely unpredictable and you can't plan for it, you're giving people way too much credit.

Your Pal,
Jubber

This is true. Talk to a car salesman sometime, they manipulate people like crazy. They have all types of simple tricks - for example, holding a shiny pen in their hand and constantly moving it around when they need you to sign paperwork; your eye is attracted to the pen, and you sign the paperwork without paying attention to what it says (this is real, ignore the pen if he's holding one).

Catching a girl's attention is nothing but a sales job. You can either take charge of it, or you can leave it to "fate". But girls who think that they were attracted to that guy because of fate are incredibly naive... whether consciously or not, that guy was presenting himself as a sexual object to her, and she took the bait. I like to call it "waving your metaphorical penis at her".

Azelma · **Posted:** Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:06 am

Jubbergun wrote:

Azelma wrote:

Randomly, she moved here, and of course I texted her. I'd always thought she was very pretty, and we always got along well...so I was like...hey friends, let's hang out.

How "randomly" is randomly? How did you find out she had moved there? Did she know you lived there?

Pretty randomly, as in, she decided that she didn't want to be in Ohio anymore, so she got her job to transfer her, packed her bags, and moved to the city.

I found out via facebook/twitter actually. I had written on her wall like "oh blah blah you should come visit Chi town sometime" then she was like "yeah definitely" next thing you know I see her tweet about moving in...so I sent her an FB message like "omg ur in Chi we should hang out" with my #, then she texted me...and so on.

I have to text her and invite her to this party on friday...but how to go about inviting her is tough:
(INC: overthinking)

"Hey - so I'm going to this house party w/ my kickball team tomorrow, it's at XX, you should come if you're not busy!"

Or, because the party was randomly moved I could text her like

"Hey - so I'm going to this house party w/ my kickball team tomorrow, it randomly got moved to XX which is crazy close to you -- you should come!"

Or, I can emphasize the "chill" thing and say she can invite her roommate:

"Hey - so I'm going to this house party w/ my kickball team tmrw, it randomly got moved to XX which is crazy close to you -- you should come, bring your roomie too if you want!"

Jubbergun · **Posted:** Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:12 am

Sounds like she's about as subtle as a brick, and you're still completely oblivious.

Now stop thinking, and do what I told you. Only now, there is no asking. Tell her you're taking her to dinner.

You can take her to social functions after you've sealed the deal. Doing otherwise is going to put you in that friend zone with which you're so concerned.

Your Pal,
Jubber

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