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Someone asked for the odor story a while back, so I might as well share it.
In the timeline, this happened when she was still creeping hard on me (she stopped when I convinced one of my friends from high school to get into a fake facebook relationship with me). I think it was a week or two after she first came to the house and I was already beyond done with her. As always, Tabor brought her over so we could get her drunk and he'd have a chance of getting drunk-raped (something that he admitted to Jay).
Just to give you a little bit of the dynamics of a party at our house, Tabor started drinking, smoking weed, and doing coke sometime in the 5th grade and absolutely destroyed his body to the point where he gets really sick if he does any sort of substance now. Whenever Tabor brought Emmalee over, she'd drink herself into a stupor while Tabor sat in his room playing CoD with the door locked. There were also times where Tabor would get pissed that she was hanging out with us and not getting raped so he'd call her and she'd run upstairs. She almost always ended up sleeping in his room.
A friend of the house was having her 21st birthday party at a brewpub downtown at Fountain Square (which is the really nice part of Cincinnati, for those of you that aren't aware of our lovely city). She was bumming on me for a ride and since I'm too nice of a guy, I said yes because I thought I was having a car full of people anyways. Myself and the house start walking to the cars and we find out that we can pack people into the cars so I don't have to drive. I tell her that I'm riding with Anna (who's driving myself, B, and a couple other people) and she says ok. We get on the road and start driving and I get this phone call from Emmalee in this high pitched whining voice that nobody took her and that I should come back and get her.
Have you guys ever seen that family guy where peter scuffs his knee and he's rolling on the ground inhaling and exhaling really loudly? That's the sound I gave off in the car. I'm a dick, but I'm not that big of a dick. For whatever god-forsaken reason, the whole "southern gentleman" (USD knows what I'm talking about) instinct of me kicks in. I tell the car what happens and I convince B to come with me so I don't have to be by myself with her. He reluctantly agrees and we both drive back to the house so I can get my car. I'm already flustered at this point, but I bite my lip as she half-assedly thanks me for picking her up and we start driving.
About two or three minutes in the car, I notice it permeating my car. Its almost like this incredibly stale, musky odor coming from the back seat. I look at B and he looks at me with the same burdened look that I imagine I was wearing on my face. It was actually kind of fitting because since I forgot my iPod, we were listening to 90.3 (which, in Cincinnati, is the classical music station) so we were already listening to some somber shit, combined with the faces we exchanged. In the back seat, she was chirping about some "funny" Dane Cook thing she found on the internet and how we should all look it up and shit like that, because in early 2011, both Dane Cook and Youtube were new and exciting forays into the internet culture. I bit my lip and kept driving, which took us about 10 minutes to get there.
We get to somewhere that has parking and I ask people in the car for parking money. Emmalee says she has some money but she doesn't want to pay for parking (why bother telling me you have cash then?) and by this time I was already pretty stressed out from her nonstop babble, since it didn't stop since we entered my own 2005 Eggplant Purple Toyota Camry version of hell. Still biting my lip at this point, I told her that I'd buy her a drink inside if she paid for the parking, to which she agrees.
We find somewhere to park and we go to the brewpub, where we have a couple people waiting for us. Rachel (the birthday girl, in case you forgot) got a reservation for a table for 20-something people. I see her boyfriend Tyler and with B and a couple other of my friends that got there before us, she was nowhere near me at the table. There were about 15-16 people that showed up and Emmalee, in some sort of impressive feat of future cat lady-ism, managed to find the one spot at the table where she was separated by any other human being by at least one chair.
Even though I couldn't get shitfaced on some incredibly delicious IPA (one of my biggest joys in life) because I had to drive Emmalee home, I still had a good time at the place. Every once in a while, however, I got a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye, either looking at me or quietly doing the "I'm going to look like I'm texting since nobody's talking to me" thing. About halfway through the dinner, Tyler (who's sitting next to me) taps me on the shoulder and whispers in my ear. The conversation went something like this:
(Tyler)"Hey dude, who's that girl sitting there all by herself not talking to anybody?"
(Me)"That's Emmalee. She came with me. Why, what's up?"
"Oh, nothing. I just find it weird that she came. Rachel has no idea who she is and she was just curious."
At this point, I'm pretty sure something in my head popped. After depriving me of my sanity with her nails-on-chalkboard Dane Cook renditions, the trench warfare-esque battle of attrition her funk had with my nose, AND (most importantly) depriving me from my Emmalee medication of tall pints of hoppy miraclehooch, the bitch wasn't even invited to the party to begin with. I just build a wall of seething hatred around that area of the table she was sitting in and enjoyed my night doing what I love to do, sample all sorts of wild and crazy beers at the place they were brewed at. That is, of course, until she breached the defenses.
We've been there for about a hour and the dinner's winding down. I'm trying some sort of ultra-malty digestif beer that tasted like someone just mixed a wheat beer with a milkshake until, like a tremor in Japan, I heard the sound that was daring to destroy all the progress I've made after the last disaster. It turns out that Emmalee had made her decision on what sort of retarded drink she wanted to compensate her $5 for parking with and it was some $10 bitch-cocktail that I felt gay for both ordering and paying for. I was well past the point of caring and just assumed like any other rational character she'd just pay me back the difference, so I ordered it and wanted to slam my head down on the table and not look up until she decided to walk home. She finishes her shit up and I'm thrown back into the smelly Dane Cook hell that I thought I could escape through moderate (remember, don't drink and drive!) amounts of alcohol.
Naturally, with Cincinnati parking, it took us 15 minutes of not shutting the fuck up as we were crawling through the fratboy-laden streets of my neighborhood (who were already plastered, a feeling of happiness I desperately pined for) until I eventually started yelling about how parking was bullshit. She seemed to got the message and shut up (finally) as we drove around for another 35 minutes. Eventually, I had her call Tabor (who has a guaranteed parking spot with room for another car) and she asked him to move his car. He figured he was gettin his dick wet that night, so he agreed. After 50 minutes, my hell was over and I could wash away the sorrows of the night.
As I went to go food shopping a day or two later, I was an innocent boy once again. I skipped to my car (fat foodies get quadruple excited about food as opposed to the average skinny Joe) and as soon as I opened the door, it whacked me like a hammer. Of course, like the finest vomit, the smell of Emmalee got into my car and permeated every single goddamn fiber. Mix that with two days of fine aging in the sun and there was a smell to behold. I aired out my car for 15 minutes and, despite every part of my body telling me "No", I got inside, rolled all the windows down, and blitzed to the store. Even though I aired out my car, the smell stayed for a couple days after that. I think it took about a week to completely get any semblance of her out of my car.
That's the odor story.
RETIRED.
[armory loc="US,Bleeding Hollow"]Mayonaise[/armory]
[armory loc="US,Bleeding Hollow"]Jerkonaise[/armory]
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