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I was reading something about divorce, and I recalled a story my mother tells about when she was engaged to be married when she was 17. (I know). Her mother asked her, "How much money does he make?" My mother responded, "I'm not going to ask him something personal, like that!" She laughs about it now, but I think it is representative of what causes a large percentage of divorces: People simply marry someone before they truly know them.

So... pretend you are planning to marry. What information do you value most? Assuming 100% honesty from your prospective partner, what would you ask before you pulled the trigger? Obviously, agreement on big stuff, like children is paramount, but even the less thorough among us would likely iron that one out. Do you want to know/care about sexual history? Money? Parents? Criminal history? Victim of a crime? Religion? Are political viewpoints or parenting styles deal-breakers? What about a pre-nup? Would you sign one or ask your fiance to do so? What would you want know, and do you think knowing would improve your chances at a successful marriage? Can too much information be a bad thing?

inb4: I'm not getting married...ever. We're pretending here.

Boredalt - 80 Dwarf Priest - Dissension

I've already found out all of those answers just by spending time with her. Random discussions etc.

And I mean... if you don't know or haven't even talked about any of those things by now... how on earth could you be ready marry that person?

Good relationship with her parents.

Background: I am a child of divorce. I think divorce is destructive and an ill in society. I think probably 20% of divorces are valid...while 80% come down to people not communicating, not wanting to try anymore, or just simply being selfish. We're a society of spoiled brats, poisoned by hollywood and a "me first" attitude. This is why divorce rates are so high.



I have also been in a relationship for over 4 months (not much time at all, I know). But we have had several deep conversations about the future, our views on marriage, children, etc. I'll say it right here, if I were a betting man, I'd bet on me and my girlfriend getting married.

Here's the information that I value most (my father helped drive this home, having divorced my mother (she left him and filed) and gotten successfully remarried for almost 20 years). If there's one thing you need to confirm...it's this:

1.) Make sure your potential spouse views Marriage and Family the same way you do. What that means is...do they think marriage is forever? Are they willing to work on issues and stay together through thick and thin? What family role models do they have? Do they hate their parents or siblings? Poor relationships in their immediate family are red flags. Obviously nothing is perfect...but if your partner views things the way you do here...you're in a lot better shape than someone who never brings it up.

Everything else should naturally come up in conversation before you decide to marry (money, political views, sexual history, etc.). You should know yourself...and if there are deal breakers in there for you...then you shouldn't marry that person.

It can be helpful to be introspective and think: hmm...I'm a hardcore liberal....can I really see myself being happily married to this hardcore conservative? It can work. I've seen couple just not approach the subject. But if you at your core couldn't handle it...then that person isn't right for you.


I can say with confidence that in 4+ months of dating, I've discussed literally every one of those things with my girlfriend...this only adds to my confidence in where things are going. It's also communication style...any time we've had an issue, we sit down and talk things out (it helps that she's studying to be a Marriage and Family therapist...so that's a plus). It's all about working out issues...problem solving and compromise.

If you can't have these kinds of conversations with your partner...then you are with the wrong person and shouldn't marry.

Edit:




A few things I said definitely echo these points.

I knew my wife for a long time even before we dated. We were good friends. She was the one that actually helped me get over my first fiances death to a drunk driver. Like others have said most your points come naturally through conversation. If they don't then the communication is lacking. My wife and I both agreed on a pre-nup. We even have a written agreement about how we will handle custody of our children if we ever come to that point. That being said I do not see us getting divorced. Unlike most couples we do not feel the need to be attached at the hip. Being able to value each others individuality is part of being a good couple IMO. I would think it is a very rare thing where two people like every thing exactly the same. And if there was a case, i doubt they would be a couple. It's the slight differences that keep things interesting. It will allow each person to bring something unique to the relationship. Opening each others mind to new ideas.

As for political and religious views. I strongly believe they have influence over a marriage. But it's not just what religion they are but how they were taught to view religion/politics. In many families the religion of that family is taught to be the only way to think. Same with political affiliation. People will tend to feel a pressure from their family when this topic is brought up about a boyfriend/girlfriend. In most cases a person would find it very hard to go against their family even if they care very much for their bf/gf.

Can too much information be a bad thing? I think if the information is obtained too early or at the wrong time/in the wrong way, it can be very bad. Of course there is certain information that may come later that you would have expected to hear sooner. Then there are people that just like to flood you with information from the moment you meet them. These kind of people seem needy to me and way to emotional. I like to get to know a person over time, not learn their life story before I finish my 2nd rum and coke of the evening.

Just my opinion. Sorry if it seems rushed but i really wanted to reply to this before I do my work out. Hope this thread gets more attention!

[13:56:01] [W From] [Slimecrack]: I just wanted to tell your brown that when I look into its one brown eye, I see joy and love, thank god for your ass, PRAISE JESUS!

Fuck getting married. 99% of girls these days have been raised and taught a lot of different values. Marriges simply don't work. The truth can be said for most guys. It's why divorce is so high. Back in our grandparent's days, you married out of legit love, fear of a shotgun or maybe simply for money or power. Thing is, when people got married back then, they stayed married. They took it as a serious commitment. Not the joke that marriage is today.

You really need a 20 million dollar wedding to show your love? glhf. Funny thing is, divorce rate is really high and it's being throttled. A lot of people stay married because they simply can not afford a divorce right now.



tldr: Everyone these days gets married for the wrong reasons and divorce rate is up as a result.

I agree, but we're talking about two people who are about to get married, so I would think they shouldn't be "too early" in their relationship.


I know that most of these seem like anyone would discuss them, but, just a few things off the top of my head:

Are you hiding anything because you feel it might be a deal-breaker?

Is anyone more important to you than I am? If so, who, and under what circumstances would you choose them over me?

Do you like my parents? Do they like you? Vice versa? How will we handle visits from them? How involved are each of your parents in your lives and how will we handle interactions with them?

Do either of you have family members who are a problem? What will be our "policy" for interactions with them?

Do either of you have exes who are still a part of your lives? How will you handle interactions with them?

Do either of you have friends the other doesn't like? How will you handle interactions with them?

How will we handle holidays with our families?

How will we celebrate birthdays/anniversaries, etc?

How often do each of you want/need sex? Will you want the same things sexually when the "honeymoon" is over? How do you handle "I'm not in the mood"? Do either of you have any fetishes? Have either of you ever cheated?

Who will be responsible for the bulk of the cooking/grocery shopping? If it is you, can you cook?

Who is responsible for general household maintenance? If it is you, do you have the ability to do that?

Who will clean? Oh, both? How will these responsibilities be divided?

What are your financial goals? Will you combine all funds, or only part? If part, how much? When do you see yourself retiring? What do you expect of each other in order for these goals to be met? Who will handle the bills?

How much time are you prepared to spend at work? How much time are you prepared for your partner to work?

How ambitious are you? What if our relationship interferes with your ambition?

Do either of you have medical issues? What is your family history for medical problems?

How often and how much alone time do you need?

Do you give, or can you take, criticism?

Do you both resolve issues in a like manner? Have you been involved in an abusive relationship?

Do you have a problem with an open bathroom door policy?

Do you drink out of the carton?

Is your dog or cat agreeable to your partner? What if the answer is no? Your dog sleeps with you. What if your partner will not have an animal in bed?

Do either of you snore/have insomnia? Are either of you early or late risers?

Are email, facebook, phone private? If private, what other aspects of your lives fall into this category?

Do you use any drugs or drink alcohol? If so, what and how often? Have you ever been treated for a drug or alcohol problem?


The problem with many marriages is not the one big thing, but the cumulative effects of many small things, imo.

Boredalt - 80 Dwarf Priest - Dissension

Necra, different women have different values.

I personally don't like the idea of marriage. The benefits of marriage are great though. Agreed monogamy, tax benefits, support from family/friends. I don't like the idea of holy matrimony, but that's just a part of my view. I don't understand the need to have a fancy wedding to establish what should already be established, mutual love. Monogamy vs polygamy should be discussed within the first year of dating so that's already covered. Tax benefits should apply to all couples who live together.

I was talking to a guy (mid 20s dude) about marriage at my sister's wedding just a few weeks ago. He stated his hardcore conservative view that nobody should have the benefits of marriage besides a man and a woman who have a wedding to confirm their marriage as God intended bla bla bla. I baited him to give me his view on NC's recent marriage amendment and he bit down hard. But this thread has a different topic and I'm rambling...

I think marriage sets a lot of people up for failure. Some people have been conditioned to think that once the ring is on the finger, your lives are etched on a stone somewhere. I think that drives people crazy sometimes. Maybe if there wasn't enough pressure that comes along with marriage, more people would stay together.

Values. Temperament. Intelligence level.
Absence of genetic disposition to obesity, endocrine disorders and other serious conditions.



I would want to know her so well that no questions are necessary.



Not particularly. Having an incurable STD (AIDS, herpes, etc) would be a dealbreaker, however.



I don't care whether she has any, I care whether she knows how to manage it.



No. I would want to know her well enough to see any and all such things through the lens of her personality - and I would expect she'd have already told me. But if her personality meets with my approval, then nothing she could say would be a dealbreaker.



I intend to raise my children, in the grossly unlikely event I should have them, as Reform Jewish. Insisting on another faith, or its absence, would be a dealbreaker.



I would not marry a woman who has a political ideology. My political views are driven by culture and values, and I would only be interested in a like-minded woman.



Pre-nups are basically void because of feminist laws and judges. If there were a divorce, I would take the kids and all moveable property and leave the country.



By definition, no.

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

I used to see those sorts of people the way you do. As I have aged, I've come to understand that the "God" bit - even for them - is a red herring. They say it but they don't know why. They do believe in God, and God doesn't exist, but the role of God in their belief system is a linchpin for an entire set of values and ideas that have a transcendent wisdom - they have kept many societies stable.



Conditioned by whom or what? Is it conditioning, or a human urge for a soulmate?



And yet there's never been less pressure, and marriages were stable when pressure was total.

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

Out of all of these questions the biggest two for me are about how we should raise our child(ren) and where does she see our marriage in 10/20/30 years. For reasons I won't get into here my wife's mother doesn't like me period. But that is something we work with since her dad, step-mom and even step-father love me to death. I used to smoke marijuana and quite frequently at that, but have since given it up. Been almost two years now. I honestly think you should know enough about a person before you marry them. If you get married and find out a year into the marriage your wife was so slutty she was considered the town bicycle you didn't get to know her very well. That being said it would be super naive to assume you're going to marry a virgin these days.

I know I am mostly just answering questions you posed above instead of giving my own. The two i stated above really are the two biggest ones for me. Those would only be posed after a good amount of time in a relationship. Because honestly there are many things that are deal breakers just for a regular dating relationship let alone marriage proposal.

[13:56:01] [W From] [Slimecrack]: I just wanted to tell your brown that when I look into its one brown eye, I see joy and love, thank god for your ass, PRAISE JESUS!

Gotta let me take a dump with door open. That's dealbreaker right there.

marriage?

Give it like 5 years, Jushiro.

I'd want to know to what extent each of us can do our own shit. Like someone mentioned above, the joined-at-the-hip relationship isn't really my thing.
Also, if marriage would kill non-baby-making sex. I'm not too concerned because women love fucking too, but there have been enough stories to the contrary to constitute a pattern.

As Euphonic said, most of the other important stuff should already be known. If you've been dating someone long enough to be comfortable asking if you want to get married, you should have met her parents, figured out her political/moral/religious views, asked about STDs the first time you went at it, etc. If we haven't started living together yet (who the shit waits until marriage?) then the division of labor/duties would be important, as well as a mutual understanding of each others' organizational habits. I leave books and papers and electronics lying around, for example, but never leave dirty laundry or dishes out because that shit's gross.

Past sexual history is not a big deal and really none of my business beyond the aforementioned STD question, so I don't care about that.

If destruction exists, we must destroy everything.
Shuruppak Yuratuhl
Slaad Shrpk Breizh

I have been married going on 5 years. My daughter is 3. My wife and I still have sex around twice a week minimum. Maybe we are lucky or not the norm. I have no idea. If the desire is there it happens. Sometimes our daughter will spend a night with her grandma. The best time is usually in the early morning since our daughter sleeps til 7am or so. This is one area where you have to know your partner the best.

Honestly the divorce just seems to come from Americas new standard of being a bunch of pussies. Over sensitive douche bags out for their own agenda. Marriage is a two lane street. There has to be give and take. Now it seems all people want to do is take and when the times get too tough they just give up. The worst are the marriages that happen because two stupid people have unprotected sex, the woman gets pregnant and they think getting married is the magical solution to fix this problem. WRONG ANSWER! They would be better off making a contractual agreement that both individuals are responsible for the care and well being of the child. That's just my opinion though.

[13:56:01] [W From] [Slimecrack]: I just wanted to tell your brown that when I look into its one brown eye, I see joy and love, thank god for your ass, PRAISE JESUS!