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I don't really have a lot of friends anymore, I've noticed the older you get they all seem to disappear. Nothings wrong or anything, I just kind of want to talk to someone about personal things. Mostly about my relationship with my girlfriend, we've been dating for about a year now, and been having the best of times... she's really made me see a lot more of what the world has to offer. I just have a lot of questions about her personality, what I've noticed about her, the situations that have come up etc.

Basically I'm really looking for ways to make her more comfortable in specific situations. Maybe it just boils down to her being a woman, and caring about shit I won't ever understand why.

Being away from WoW, and online games in general has made me less of a douche, so I apologize for any trolling etc I've done to any of you in the past. I could care less about any of that. None of it matters. I have a much wider scope, understanding, and respect for peoples opinions and differences.

I'm not sure how many of you are experienced with relationships but... can I count on FUBU for some serious input/ideas? Or should I not bother?

I'm down, sounds interesting.

We are here for you, friend. Tell us more.

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

Alright... let me collect my thoughts, and get to typing.

Well I guess most of you need some back story or an outline of sorts. Some of this may be pathetic but... I'm not ashamed.

Last year about December or so, I was browsing Craigslist like I normally do. I used to look at the personals religiously, it was just something that I was interested in. Not really to hook up or anything, I just liked looking at them. The only adds I ever replied to were in the Strictly Platonic section, the one that is supposed to be focused on meeting new friends. I only replied to women because I just really was looking to meet someone. I had a lot of hit and misses, most of the time we'd get to talking and about a week or so in they would be like... "Yea this one time me and my bf...." i stopped responding after that. Just not interested in talking to a girl if they are in a relationship.... Anyway yadda yadda yadda, i replied to this boring post one day... i think it read something like "Hey if you want to chat, message me." Don't really know why, and neither does she... but I responded to that post early in the morning one day before work, stated that I was headed to work and if she wanted to chat, text me... I left my number. A couple hours later, she texted me and we started chatting it up... exchanged pictures etc... had a lot of really great conversation about this and that, interests and what not... This went on for about two weeks. I finally manned up and asked her on a date. We dated for about a month, hit it off every night... decided we should be serious and see what happens... best decision I ever made. For any of you who don't know... I've never even held a girls hand. Let alone date one. So anyway yeaaahhh i know what your thinking. Yep, shes my first everything... First handhold, first hug, first kiss, first girlfriend, first... everything.


And that's where I just don't have experience with things. Not really talking about sexually or anything. Just in general everyday situations with a partner. I've been learning and growing with her everyday... I try to absorb and analyze as much as possible, so that I can understand her opinions and how she feels about things. She's her own person and I accept her in every way. I'm not looking to change her, I'm just looking to see if i can make her more comfortable about some things. I try really hard to not be naive about it all.

One thing that's been an issue, is her anxiety... I've never really had to deal with someone like this before.

The biggest trigger for it is spending time with my family. We usually just hang out at her house, it's a lot more free and less strict i guess is how to put it. Her parents aren't dirty by any means... just if you spill something its not a big deal, you just laugh about it and clean it up. The house isn't pristine... it's lived in. My parents and my house are completely different... I live in a brand new house, only about a year old. My mother is really OCD about cleanliness, and keeping the house in order... everything in it's place and not one crumb on the kitchen floor... or else. I've talked about that before, and maybe it was me in the first place that started the impression. She's only been at my house and around my family for a few holidays and such, 4-5 times maybe. She just can't get comfortable with them. My parents have told me they like her a lot. And i've told her she just needs to spend more time around them and get to know them etc... But everytime we go to an event at my house, we usually have a pretty good time. No reason to get upset or anything. Positive experience. We'll get back to her house and what not... and she starts crying for no reason... And i don't know how to make her not cry, she thinks my parents have all these opinions on her. Which they don't at all... they really like her, and I've told her that. Just nothing seems to ease her. We'll do something with my family, then she'll either cry afterwards or be really emotional the next day or so. Then be back to normal.

I can easily understand maybe it's just being out of her element, shes free to be herself at home, but at my house she wants to pretend to be this perfect person, not touch anything or make a mess. It would stress anyone out. I can't think of any other way to assure her that that shit doesn't matter... to be herself... to not worry.

Shes been in other long term relationships... i know a little about them, not a whole lot. I was thinking maybe she had a damaging experience with one of them, and she doesn't want to make the same mistakes or something? I don't know, just a thought I had... this idea also applies to my next topic.

Self-conscious... mostly about her body, how she looks... her hair, make-up, clothes, weight... everything. Now let me tell you... I know a pretty girl when I see one. I literally can't compliment her enough about how good she looks... just being herself, with no make-up or anything. Which is a rare occasion i get to see her that way. She insists on straitening her hair, because its naturally curly, and wont leave the house without her black eye liner or whatever else. And she is in no way, shape, or form fat... all she does is insist she is fat. Shes not a stick, shes just a perfectly normal healthy girl. It's like a broken record about everything... especially if i manage to drag her to the mall or something. OMG i would look so ugly in that... i'm too fat for that.. blah blah... UGHHHHH You are not fat, YOU'RE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! Get over yourself. Maybe every girl is like that... i don't know. This continues into our intimate relationship as well... we've had sex over 400 times or something, by her calculation oddly enough. She's only been completely naked once, when she was drunk... and that's a topic for another day in itself. Anyway, she always wears a shirt to bed.... but she has an amazingly gorgeous body its ridiculous. Beautiful boobs and curves, there is literally no flaw i could ever point out about her body. I've tried many a nights to get her naked... can't do it. She won't have it. She acts like i'm going to see her... and be like WOW UGLY and get out of bed.

I've just never had to deal with these things before. I've literally tried everything. There's no reason to be so self-conscious about yourself, or have so much anxiety about things. I want her to be comfortable around my family, and freaking be comfortable showing me her body.

Thanks for sharing. I'm by no means an expert on these things, but I was in an almost 5 year relationship, and am now in a relationship going on 1 year with a girl who I will most likely end up marrying.


First - it's not that she's just a girl. Girls do act irrationally sometimes, but so do guys. However, her body/self-esteem issues aren't uncommon. My own girlfriend has the same thing...doesn't matter how many times I tell her she's beautiful...doesn't matter how much I tell her I wanna do her right then and there...it's something SHE has to believe. You can't make her believe it.

To give you more context...understanding the pressures that women face for looks is important. Open up the latest edition of Cosmopolitan and you'll see what I'm talking about. Huge expectations are forced upon them, and it does horrible things to their body image.

I think it would help her if you talk to her about why she feels that way. Don't just say "nonesense you're beautiful" -- ask her, what is it making you feel this way? Did she have BFs in the past who insulted her appearance (as some douchebags do to their women)? Does she have girlfriends that would judge each other harshly on appearance? Does she exercise regularly, or does she wished she exercised more? Does it make her feel guilty?

Getting her talking about it is something you can do. Let her tell you about her experience, why she feels the way she does.



Now...as for the family...I think it's also tied to self-esteem. She seems to be very concerned of what others think of her. This explains her anxiety. I think it would help to try to get her talking about this as well. Don't just say "nonsense, my parents think you're great!" -- ask her what her fear is....why does she think your parents will judge her so harshly? Is she afraid that you'll see her differently if she gets a "bad review" or something? Tell her the truth...that even if they did judge her harshly (which they wouldn't), it wouldn't matter to you anyway. Ask her what you can do to make things more comfortable for her.

Maybe a good idea would be to suggest some "neutral site" meetings with your parents. Go out to dinner with them so you can just chat with them and she can get to know them better without the added pressures of being on "their turf"-- in their home. Obviously the contrast between your and her parents' homes is a trigger.


Furthermore, maybe she had a poor relationship with an EX-BF's family. Maybe an EX-BF's family helped cause a breakup...I don't know, but it might help to get her talking about it.





I think that's really all you can do...talk, and more importantly, listen.....you're not a licensed therapist or anything, but you are her boyfriend. Sadly, your protests and words aren't going to really change much....SHE has to start viewing herself differently. This is all her experience...you're not doing anything wrong, nor is she...she's just having some struggles that many people face.


You can start by asking her why she feels the way she does. Ask her how it feels. Ask her how the anxiety feels...what is she thinking when it's happening? What's the trigger? Talk about her past. Support her. Come up with ways you can work on things (like trying to meet your parents out for dinner somewhere rather than going to their place to get to know them better).



Anyway, that's my advice - hopefully I typed something of use!


P.S. Suggestion for the bedroom....how would she feel about sexy lingerie? Nothing crazy...just a cute nightie or something...offer to take her shopping for it. Get her used to the idea of feeling sexy in the bedroom. A big thing with that though...make sure SHE feels sexy in it.

I've met girls like this. She has probably been the victim of bullying and persecution by other girls jealous of her good looks.

She sounds like she comes from a much lower class background than you, and being around your house and parents arouses her insecurity about class, something that is excruciatingly painful for many women. Probably she has suffered some sort of frustration or rejection in the past, and is terrified of suffering it again. She is afraid that you and your family are "out of her league" and she will get rejected.

Her crying fits suggest she may also have legitimate social anxiety disorder (which is grossly overdiagnosed to the point that the real cases are eclipsed by frauds and in common parlance it's basically a euphemism for "drug abuser"). I don't believe meds are the answer.

My suggestions are this:
-Try expanding her horizons by bringing things you want her to accept into her comfort zone. For example, consider taking your family to play minature golf or bowling or go on a nature outing or visit a family restaurant - something that is just plain fun and is not perceived as "high class".

-Try making sure that you and her family always outnumber your own parents - split your parents up and meet them only one at a time. This will increase her confidence.

-Consider engaging in sadomasochistic behavior - try to convince her to be physically rough with you, or trash talk you, or associate dirty talk with sexual or other forms of sensual pleasure. This will widen her comfort zone, following good judgement of course.

-Commission paintings or other images of her and keep them everywhere - in your wallet, on your walls, on your desk, etc. Juxtapose her image with things that equate with social legitimacy in her mind. For example, try crafting images depicting her as a princess or queen, or buy her a mock Victorian-style royal outfit.

-Try dressing like her, or asking her if she would like to try your clothes on (for women this is often a sort of instinctive sexual ritual comparable to panty raiding). Buy her progressively naughtier lingerie (very slowly).

-Try to leverage her love of you into expanding her comfort zone: e.g., "you know what would make me really happy? if you do this..." Be sure to remind her that she has incredible sexual power over you. "It's mindblowing what you can do to me, you're a sex goddess..." Again, this will increase her confidence.

-Consider making her RP as a "nurse" - "there's only one thing that can make me feel better right now..."

-Tell her to help your mom cook. This is a female bonding ritual.

Anyway, she sounds like a keeper. I am guessing you are both terrified of commitment? I wouldn't be. It sounds like you have nothing but good in your hearts.

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

If Aestu and Azelma come to the same conclusions about girl issues...
(or anything really)

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

Yeah, I kind of started to ask her why she thinks that way... but more of i said it to myself out loud... I don't know why you think that etc. I've definitely never thrown the ball completely in her court though. Azelma.



We went out just recently, My sister, my girlfriend and I, the 3 of us... i would say it was a much better experience. I've been meaning to set some more of these outings up.

She really doesn't like dirty talk, well... she doesn't like being the one talking anyway.

She HATES pictures.... i've got like 2 pictures of her, she keeps her Facebook pictureless, and everytime i get my phone out to take one she smacks it away or hides her face, shes really good at detecting when i'm trying to take one.

I've already gotten yelled at for panty raiding... she got pretty mad, i did it too much haha. She always says shes too fat for my clothes, since i'm super skinny...

Her day job is a nurse, or something along that lines at a assisted living facility.

my mom can't cook worth crap.


Another thing is distance... she lives about an hour from my house. i still see her about 4-5 days a week despite that. We usually just hang out at her house. It's easier to be comfortable there for her, and when it gets late we have privacy. So it's rare we do alot of driving around or back n forth between houses to do some of these. Like going out for an occasion. I also don't like her driving that distance by herself, i'd rather just pick her up and take her home.

I'm definitely not afraid of commitment, and neither is she. We love each other very much and have decided to move in together once our finances permit it. We'll see how all that goes before we worry about the next step.

Makes my relationships look like shit

So, aside from her being neurotic and freaking-outty about going to your parents house, whats the problem?

Judge not a relationship based on the quantity of sex, but by the quality of the relationship itself (or even the quality of the sex).

Well I mean... they may not necessarily be problems per say, but they are things I'm struggling with. I just don't think she needs to feel that way about things. I just feel helpless sometimes, and that's what bothers me.

I am very lonely and horny.



I know what you mean. It can be very frustrating to be in love with someone like that. You want to make them better but can't, you don't want to see them make life less satisfying for themselves than it should be.

Can't really give more advice. Just try to use your leverage to increase her comfort zone etc.

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.