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AMSTERDAM, THE NETHERLANDS - Dutch efforts to develop a practical electric car, beset by years of mishaps and tragedy, have finally been brought to an end by the deaths of three young men and a woman at the hands of Dutch police.
The sad story of the Netherlands' abortive efforts began in early 2006, when the Netherlands' Socio-Economic Council embarked on a campaign to implement an nationwide electric car infrastructure. Global warming is a particularly serious threat to the Netherlands, amongst what have traditionally been called the "Low Countries" of Europe. Over 20% of the Netherlands' population and half the country's land area lays below sea level. For centuries, great dikes have held back the waves of the Baltic Sea, but are now under mortal threat from climate change.
"The Netherlands cannot exert a decisive influence on manmade climate change alone," said Melanie Schultz van Haegen, Dutch Minister of Infrastructure & Environment. "But as we are significant stakeholders in climate change, it seems only sensible that we lead by example."
Dutch efforts resulted in the creation of the Eurolaander Groen Wagen (Eurolander's Green Car) - a fully electric automobile, weighing in at 1200 kg (2645 lb). The vehicle owed its light weight to its construction out of recycled plastic beer bottles, with a stylish birchwood dashboard and superstructure. Despite favourable performance, road tests were cancelled early after a series of accidents that claimed the lives of several dozen pedestrians, mostly inebriated American tourists apparently unaccustomed to the Netherlands' dense fog and caught unawares by the lack of conventional automobile sounds.
Undaunted, the Dutch refitted the prototype EGW with speakers emitting imitation car sounds; however, the idea of substituting other sounds soon gained traction with the Ministry. Sleigh bells proved particularly appealing to Dutch nostalgia, and in 2010, the Dutch Minister for Development Cooperation, Maxime Verhagen, took the initiative to reach out to Amish communities in the United States, seeking their practical expertise with sleigh bells.
"As we Dutch say, 'The best steersman are ashore," said Mr Verhagen at a symposium in 2010. "The development of the new technology offers us a brilliant opportunity to build a bond with our traditionalist cousins living in the Americas, to profit from their wisdom."
The Amish regard the modern world with suspicion and distrust, and have little connection to mainstream Dutch society. "Most of what they know about contemporary Netherlands comes from what little they read of American mainstream media, and thus their perceptions are similar to that of mainstream Americans. They were very wary of a partnership with a people they perceived as beset by vice," said Amish expert Dr Donald Kraybill of Pennsylvania University.
"Unfortunately, events unfolded so as to corroborate their suspicions."
In October 2010, an Amish delegation arrived by charter cruise to Amsterdam, bringing with them over 100 kg (220 lb) of sleigh bells of assorted varieties. The delegation included not only several prominent Amish councilmen and sleigh bell smiths, but also, in accordance with Amish tradition, their wives and families, numbering several hundred individuals in total.
Willem van Klett, 23, a musician, electric car enthusiast and self-described 'bon vivant', was selected to introduce a EGW to the Amish delegation by way of participation in the 'homecoming' parade. Unbeknownst to the event organizers, the young hobbyist had hacked the vehicle's sound processor, and replaced the motor sounds with a erotic soundboard, emitting sound bites of sexual activity in response to driver input.
The vehicle, its brilliant neon paint job polished and waxed for the occasion, was unveiled at the height of the festivities. It drove down the ramp of its carrier, to the sounds of what one onlooker described as "a vigorous sexual tryst".
The Amish, horrified, immediately moved to cover the ears of their children, who screamed in panic. It is unclear exactly what happened next, but it is generally accepted that in the heat of the moment, syntactic differences between Amish and contemporary Dutch resulted in misunderstanding between the Amish councillors and their Dutch hosts, and the event quickly broke down into a full-scale riot.
"I saw the riot police come in, big guys in black kevlar, looking pretty mean with their perspex shields," said one witness. "But those Amish, they have stones, they weren't afraid of them at all. One tall Amish man wielded a microphone stand like a pitchfork, took down three men who probably had five times his weight, while his wife - she was also really tall - held his coat.
"When the tear gas cleared, it was eerily quiet, wooden shoes and wide-brimmed hats scattered everywhere."
Upon their return to the United States, the enraged Amish community petitioned their senator, Rick Santorum (R-PA), to permanently ban electric cars from the state, declaring them "accursed vehicles of vice and iniquity which the good Lord has clearly made manifest to us as anethema." The office of Mr Santorum expressed the senator's "profound empathy" and vowed that "the sound of an electric car shall never again be heard by the virgin ears of the good people of Pennsylvania."
The Dutch government made efforts to cover up the incident, securing non-disclosure agreements from reporters present at the scene and destroying most footage. However, the EGW soundboard mod gained instant notoriety in electric car hobbyist circles and spread like wildfire through peer-to-peer file sharing programs. The 'van Klett EV soundboard' was ported by hobbyists to other similarly equipped electric and hybrid vehicles, and was the basis of many imitation programs.
Efforts to produce a practical electric car continued, and the first consumer models, produced by Fiat and Peugeot under contract with the Dutch government, began hitting hitting the streets in 2011. The production models' speakers were programmed with the same electronic noises preferred by other EV manufacturers. However, hackers quickly managed to break the synthesizer "black box", replacing the electronic noises with soundboards consisting of clips from sexual encounters and pop culture, including video games such as Starcraft, Final Fantasy, and Star Blazers.
"Dude, it's not just pretending to have sex. It's better than sex. My car does what I want, every single time," said one anonymous hobbyist. "I turn the wheel left and she moans. I turn the wheel right and she groans. I hit the pedal and she sounds like I'm going all the way in there. I hit the clutch and I hear her undulate as we shift positions. And when I get road head from my girl, it's like a three-way on roids."
Despite its significant environmental benefits, and noted boon to tourism, drawing an especial increase in visitors from Japan and Korea, the unlikely hobby of "Xtreme EVing" has left the locals of Amsterdam steaming.
"I thought it was bad when the kids started watching that horrible American movie, Two Fast And Furious [sic]," groused one elderly Amsterdamer. "But this, this is just too much. I would just as soon have the gasoline and let this damned town be sunk beneath the high tide rather than have to listen to speakers screaming, 'Ooohs' and 'Aaahs' or 'My life for Aiur', every time some idiot child drives by."
Last Monday, events came to a head when a party of four intoxicated youths drove screaming through downtown Amsterdam with a S&M-influenced erotic soundboard. Police believed that the female participant was the victim of a gang rape and, by megaphone, ordered the car to stop. "When the car did not stop, we set up roadblocks along lower-elevation streets, herding the car towards uphill areas," said Constable Jorg Hermann. "The electric vehicle lacked the horsepower to climb a 20-degree pedestrian walkway leading up to the Kalverstraat, and stalled."
Police then stormed the car, shooting dead the three males. The female, who was apparently an associate of the males, died of cardiac arrest precipitated by intoxication, obesity and extreme panic. The tragedy has brought to an end the Netherlands' electric car programme, and the Dutch government is now in talks with General Motors, hosted by the office of Mr Santorum, to establish a partnership to re-implement conventional gasoline automobile infrastructure.
"This just goes to show that electric cars aren't meant to be. God has spoken, and he has said, that the electric car can only bring about the destruction of Christian values," said Mr Santorum in a statement. "We will continue our efforts to find and destroy every last electric car in the hands of young hooligans."
The Associated Press contributed to this report.
