As my sister gets older, she looks more and more like my mother.
Except not as hot.
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What do dice, heroin and trespassers have in common?
You shoot them.
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They say you are what you eat. That's why I never eat fruit, nuts or vegetables.
It's also why I'm no good in a fight, and really good at being mean to others.
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I'm so fat, if my pool was a bed, I'd never get any sleep. It would keep me up all night.
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Never date a pirate. They can only see you for your surface beauty, because they lack depth perception.
And they only want your booty.
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Why are their so many genders now? What happened to two? I'm going to continue what I've always done, and refer to people as either "him" or "her" depending on the form I'm looking at. Muscular, pants wearing bull dyke - him. Effeminate cross dressing man - her. My grandmother - him. Some people say that's mean but I don't say it to his face.
Not since he died.
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A friend of mine with knowledge of explosives told me that "C4 is harmless until you supply an electrical charge."
He stopped saying that after I beat him with a pillow sack full of C4.
Not because I proved him wrong, but because he's in a coma.
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According to the bag my store bought ice came in, "Ice is food.".
I should start freezing my booze, that way I'm not an alcoholic, just a glutton.
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I named my girlfriends vagina "The Amazon".
Because it used to be a beautiful place, until it was destroyed by man.
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This one time, I met a girl who was a lesbian. Emphasis on the "was", because she stopped being one after meeting me.
Now she's a corpse.
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It occurred to me the other day that all the clothes that were gifted to me by family members are thick and plaid or denim.
For some reason my family has decided to typecast me as a lumberjack.
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I took a shit so steamy you could power a train from here to New York with it.
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I told a rape victim to look on the bright side of things. They asked me, in a matter of shouting, "What's the bright side to being raped?!"
Well, someone found you so attractive that they had to have sex with you. It's almost a compliment.
---
I recently found that I am a 1 on the
Kinsey Scale. I'm also a 1 on the hot scale, but that's not here nor there. One on the Kinsey Scale is defined as "... incidentally homosexual".
Which is accurate, because any time I have sex with a man, it's an incident.
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Life.
