Callysta wrote:
Sometimes relationships just stop working.
My GF, who studying to be a Marital and Family Therapist (don't start, Aestu, I know where you stand on it... ;p) would disagree with this.
A relationship wouldn't just magically stop working. The problems and relational cycles between two people all have a basis in something. It often occurs that perhaps there was a problem that existed but was never discussed or approached in an effective way before....then it "blows up"
It may seem like it just "stopped working" but really...it wasn't working properly in the first place.
Relationships do take work to maintain...new problems come up, new compromises need to be made...new shit needs to get sorted through. That's where the commitment aspect is crucial. If either party decides it's not worth the effort to fix it...then it's done.
Alopex wrote:
Azelma wrote:
Think of children
That's a different issue -- I don't think anyone goes shopping around for a gf/bf primarily concerned with the outcome of their future children (or even subconsciously). And what provides for a good outcome these days (education, innovation, wealth) involves very different qualities than what our ancestors would have been selecting.
As far as monogamy and bonding are concerned, it's true that there are some biological impulses that lead people to stay together, but obviously they aren't very strong. Most organisms do not practice monogamy, and in those that do, cheating is rampant. Just looking at the end result of relationships, it's easier to say that the drive to spread one's genes is stronger than the drive to bond (at least, I can say this with confidence for most guys).
It's also important to note that Darwin wasn't looking at humans. His idea of successful children involved having the most number of viable offspring, without regard to human ideas of crime or finances or anything else. In that sense, he would probably suggest that large families (even those in poverty) are doing well. From his perspective, or the biological perspective, you're better off being
Ramesses II.
But all of those things are just to explain biological impulses that drive behavior, and why traditional families are unlikely to be a harmonious end result of human interactions.
Well...whether you want to admit it or not...the very person you are attracted to is because of your genes trying to find a compatible mate for producing a child. It's why you'll pick someone with complimentary facial structures...strong immune systems...strengths to balance out your genes weaknesses and so on. Even men on the hunt for one night stands follow these subconscious drives.
What do men find attractive in women? It's all about waste/hip ratios much of the time. Why? For birthing. A woman with absurdly narrow hips and a stick body wouldn't be as good for child rearing.
Some men really like nice big boobs. What is that? Fertility. Nourishment...ESTROGEN...all evidence of the tools that woman could have to successfully carry and care for your child.
Alopex wrote:
As far as monogamy and bonding are concerned, it's true that there are some biological impulses that lead people to stay together, but obviously they aren't very strong. Most organisms do not practice monogamy, and in those that do, cheating is rampant. Just looking at the end result of relationships, it's easier to say that the drive to spread one's genes is stronger than the drive to bond (at least, I can say this with confidence for most guys).
You're speaking in vast generalities. If you were correct, there would be no marriages, no grandparents still together, no parents still together, no long term relationship partners, no cohabitation.
I think the impulses are stronger than you'd like to believe...what has happened is society has gotten in its own way.
Lastly, I submit the anecdote of aging and companionship. When my grandfather died from lung cancer, my grandmother, who was perfectly healthy before...suddenly deteriorated rapidly. I watched as her mind rapidly deteriorated, she stopped being happy...drank more...and less than a year later, she died as well. Her last words, I'm told, were "I can't wait to see Lloyd"
I should note, they had a very combative marriage. Fights, disagreements, etc.
But when the love of her life left this world, her body started to shut down almost instantly.
They've done brain scans of people in long term relationships/marriages...they start to resemble one another. Even facial features start to mimic each other, it's true! People who are "happily married" live longer and happier than those who are not time and time again (though you're right, people in unhappy relationships tend to be just as miserable as lonely singles).
So let's just put a stop to this "oh humans were meant to be loners having sex with any random thing" it's just not true. Perhaps you'll realize that when you're old and alone. Having someone else with you who knows you better than anyone and loves you so, so deeply...that's something that I think is very powerful.
Romantic? Sure. Difficult if not impossible for some to reach? Yep. But it's real.