|
"The blood is our power."
So goes the expression. And amongst us red-blooded Americans, it's true. We ensure our freedom and virility by eating beef and slaying tyrants on a daily basis. But what about those Canadian wussies?
How have they survived as a nation for two hundred years? How have they survived, emasculated by mass transit and nationalized healthcare? How have they insured their freedom living without the Second Amendment, the Constitution of the United States, and the greatest army in the history of the world? How have they managed to not starve to death without cheap and abundant beef and high fructose corn syrup, without cutthroat free market economics? How can they house their people in igloos and not glorious American tract housing?
The answer is...blood.
Not the blood of children, no. That's subject matter for another article.
You see, the secret is in their national flag. Their national flag is of a maple leaf. But have you ever seen a RED maple leaf? Of course not.
What is it that makes the maple tree so prized amongst the Canadians? Its sap...its blood. You see, the Canadians are an effete and bloodless people, degraded by centuries of intermarriage with French people. That whole baby seal whacking thing is just a cover. The number of Canadians that annually participate in the merciless whacking of defenseless animals is far too small a percentage to ensure the manliness of the population as a whole. While a small number of their compatriots create a diversion, fixing world attention on the spilling of baby seal blood, the real deal is underway.
They cheat hypoxemia by gorging themselves on the "blood" of maple trees. Canadians have fangs that retract like a cat's claws, continuously grow throughout their entire lives like a chipmunk's incisors, and are hollow like a mosquito's proboscis. Never seen those fangs? Well, you see, they're retractable, so you'd have to inspect a dead Canadian. But have you ever seen a dead Canadian? I thought not! Low rates of violent crime are just part of the big coverup...
Once a year, every year, the Canadians engage in their bizarre noctural feast of blood. They bite deep into their sacred maple trees and infuse themselves with their blood. Across whole groves, Canadians cling tightly to the trunks of their maple trees, hiding from our patriotic spy satellites beneath the canopies, sucking the blood from the maple trees to renew their own, enabling them to press on for another year.
Sap is not true blood. But then, the Canadians are not truly men. They are a strange northern people, forever mutated and changed beyond humanity by this recurring ritual. That is why they manifest such quirks as pronouncing "Z" as a word, drinking milk from bags, driving on the wrong side of the road, amongst other, even more unspeakable behaviors. No human would engage in such unnatural practices.
That is how the wussy Canadian people are able to pass as lumberjacks. They do not actually cut down trees; obviously, they are not manly enough. Their symbiosis with the maple trees enables them to fell them with only a thought.
It is their pride, the real meaning of their national symbol. And it is why they have continued to persevere without being overrun by the Soviets or being democratized by the good people of the United States of America.
Aestu of Bleeding Hollow... Nihilism is a copout.
Last edited by Aestu on Sat Aug 21, 2010 11:03 pm, edited 3 times in total.
|
