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 Post subject: The Secret of Canadian Strength
PostPosted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:43 pm  
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Querulous Quidnunc
Joined: Thu May 13, 2010 12:19 pm
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"The blood is our power."

So goes the expression. And amongst us red-blooded Americans, it's true. We ensure our freedom and virility by eating beef and slaying tyrants on a daily basis. But what about those Canadian wussies?

How have they survived as a nation for two hundred years? How have they survived, emasculated by mass transit and nationalized healthcare? How have they insured their freedom living without the Second Amendment, the Constitution of the United States, and the greatest army in the history of the world? How have they managed to not starve to death without cheap and abundant beef and high fructose corn syrup, without cutthroat free market economics? How can they house their people in igloos and not glorious American tract housing?

The answer is...blood.

Not the blood of children, no. That's subject matter for another article.

You see, the secret is in their national flag. Their national flag is of a maple leaf. But have you ever seen a RED maple leaf? Of course not.

What is it that makes the maple tree so prized amongst the Canadians? Its sap...its blood. You see, the Canadians are an effete and bloodless people, degraded by centuries of intermarriage with French people. That whole baby seal whacking thing is just a cover. The number of Canadians that annually participate in the merciless whacking of defenseless animals is far too small a percentage to ensure the manliness of the population as a whole. While a small number of their compatriots create a diversion, fixing world attention on the spilling of baby seal blood, the real deal is underway.

They cheat hypoxemia by gorging themselves on the "blood" of maple trees. Canadians have fangs that retract like a cat's claws, continuously grow throughout their entire lives like a chipmunk's incisors, and are hollow like a mosquito's proboscis. Never seen those fangs? Well, you see, they're retractable, so you'd have to inspect a dead Canadian. But have you ever seen a dead Canadian? I thought not! Low rates of violent crime are just part of the big coverup...

Once a year, every year, the Canadians engage in their bizarre noctural feast of blood. They bite deep into their sacred maple trees and infuse themselves with their blood. Across whole groves, Canadians cling tightly to the trunks of their maple trees, hiding from our patriotic spy satellites beneath the canopies, sucking the blood from the maple trees to renew their own, enabling them to press on for another year.

Sap is not true blood. But then, the Canadians are not truly men. They are a strange northern people, forever mutated and changed beyond humanity by this recurring ritual. That is why they manifest such quirks as pronouncing "Z" as a word, drinking milk from bags, driving on the wrong side of the road, amongst other, even more unspeakable behaviors. No human would engage in such unnatural practices.

That is how the wussy Canadian people are able to pass as lumberjacks. They do not actually cut down trees; obviously, they are not manly enough. Their symbiosis with the maple trees enables them to fell them with only a thought.

It is their pride, the real meaning of their national symbol. And it is why they have continued to persevere without being overrun by the Soviets or being democratized by the good people of the United States of America.


Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.


Last edited by Aestu on Sat Aug 21, 2010 11:03 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:53 pm  
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Fat Bottomed Faggot
Joined: Thu May 13, 2010 12:53 pm
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Maple trees are red in the fall bro.


"Ok we aren't such things and birds are pretty advanced. They fly and shit from anywhere they want. While we sit on our automatic toilets, they're shitting on people and my car while a cool breeze tickles their anus. That's the life."
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:54 pm  
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Querulous Quidnunc
Joined: Thu May 13, 2010 12:19 pm
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Weena wrote:
Maple trees are red in the fall bro.


Oh, they got to you too, huh?


Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:55 pm  
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Obama Zombie
Joined: Fri May 14, 2010 1:48 pm
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Japanese Maple had red leaves in Spring, Summer and Fall.
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 11:42 pm  
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Fat Bottomed Faggot
Joined: Thu May 13, 2010 12:53 pm
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Aestu wrote:
Weena wrote:
Maple trees are red in the fall bro.


Oh, they got to you too, huh?


Nop.

But I do like the idea of Canada basically being Khorne's children.


"Ok we aren't such things and birds are pretty advanced. They fly and shit from anywhere they want. While we sit on our automatic toilets, they're shitting on people and my car while a cool breeze tickles their anus. That's the life."
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 11:52 pm  
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Malodorous Moron
Joined: Thu May 13, 2010 12:41 pm
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they breed with their wildlife

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1U2klg8iCk[/youtube]
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:02 am  
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French Faggot
Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:15 pm
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Probably your greatest post ever.

(I meant that with regard to Aestu, though I did appreciate yours too, Kamguh)


If destruction exists, we must destroy everything.
Shuruppak Yuratuhl
Slaad Shrpk Breizh


Last edited by Yuratuhl on Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:07 am  
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Malodorous Moron
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why thank you sir
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:29 am  
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Obtuse Oaf
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[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWQf13B8epw[/youtube]


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:44 am  
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Querulous Quidnunc
Joined: Thu May 13, 2010 3:18 pm
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They have the greatest military in the world.


the United States.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:01 am  
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Malodorous Moron
Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2010 12:09 am
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FREE QUEBEC!


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 Post subject: Re: The Secret of Canadian Strength
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 7:57 am  
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Feckless Fool
Joined: Sat May 15, 2010 7:46 am
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Aestu wrote:
How have they survived as a nation for two hundred years?

143 years.

Also, its the same side of the road =p


I am THE man.
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:38 am  
Blathering Buffoon
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Rathmoon wrote:
FREE QUEBEC!


FREE QUITTERMIKE
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:43 am  
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Stupid Schlemiel
Joined: Mon Jul 23, 2007 10:39 pm
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Usdk wrote:
They have the greatest military in the world.


the United States.


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNbIY5rDHmI[/youtube]


A man chooses, a slave obeys.
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 11:02 am  
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Stupid Schlemiel
Joined: Fri May 14, 2010 4:53 pm
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Beware of their leader too

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