Unmoderated Fucked Up Jokes [NSFW, seriously, gtfo already]

Dagery · **Posted:** Mon Jul 25, 2011 12:34 am

What's black and blue and hates sex?
The three year old in my trunk.

Helen Keller went to town,
Riding on a pony.
Stuck a feather in her cap,
And called it uuuuughgughgughguh.

My eight-year-old sister has gotten to the age where she starts to ask me questions about sex. Just the other day, she asked me, "Is that the best you can do?"

What's the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?
Having to go in an ask for a coathanger.

My favorite sexual position is the JFK.
It's where I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Two pedophiles are sitting on a park bench as a six-year-old girl comes skipping by. Rubbing his thighs, the first pedophile says, "Christ, look at the body on that one."
The other pedophile replies, "Yeah, I bet she was really something in her day."

What did the Jewish pedophile say to the child?
"Hey, kid, do you wanna buy some candy?"

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was "The Wall."

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
It wasn't born yesterday, you know.

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"
Kinky bitch.

What's worse than the Holocaust?
Six million Jews.

What's worse than shoving 12 raw oyster meats up your grandma's vag and having to suck them out?
Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.

Why are all the black people moving to Detroit?
They heard there aren't any jobs there.

A two-year-old girl turns to her father and says, "Daddy, poo-poo!"
The father responds, "I'm busy, honey, give me a minute."
But the girl repeats herself. "Daddy, poo-poo now!"
"OK, sweetie, have it your way. I'll pull out."

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina?
Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded.

Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.

How do you get a Jewish girl's number?
Pull up her sleeve.

What's the difference between pedophilia and necrophilia?
About four minutes.

What did the North Tower say to the South Tower?
"I'll talk to you later, I have to go catch a plane."

What's gray and looks good on cops?
The World Trade Center.

What would it take for a Beatles reunion?
Two bullets.

Azelma · **Posted:** Tue Jul 26, 2011 12:48 pm

Wow Dagery. Wow. There were some pretty darn good one's in there. That Beatles one made me lol...then made me feel sad all at the same time.

Well done, sir.

Battletard · **Posted:** Tue Jul 26, 2011 1:18 pm

Dagery ftw.

Dagery · **Posted:** Sun Jul 31, 2011 12:56 am

Battletard · **Posted:** Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:00 am

How to tell if you have a high sperm count: If she has to chew before she swallows.

You're in newly in prison, showering for the first time with a diesel black bodybuilding motherfucker of a man with arms as big around as your legs, and hands as big as your head. He warns you 'You better not drop no soap white boy, or you gon' be a white girl. My white girl!' You continue showering, but a little culture shocked and nervous about the prospect of being someone's bitch. You lose focus as you are finishing up your shower and drop the soap. It lands and slides right up to Bubba's left foot. He glares at you and starts to make his way towards you. What do you do in this situation?

Spoiler (highlight to view):

"Point behind him and exclaim 'Who the hell left the KFC on the ground like that?' "

Azelma · **Posted:** Tue Oct 04, 2011 10:54 am

So this older white guy named Bernard gets arrested and convicted of tax evasion and various other white collar crimes. On his first day at the prison he is lead to his cell. As he walks in he immediately notices his cell mate, a huge 7 foot tall tattooed, and quite intimidating, black guy. Bernard is terrified. The black guy just stares at him for the longest time, and finally asks him one question:

"So, do you wanna be the husband or the wife?"

Bernard thinks back to his years of schooling and thinks about the best answer to give...he responds slowly, "uh...I think I'd like to be the husband."

The black guy responds, "okay then, come over here and suck your wife's dick."

Usdk · **Posted:** Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:23 pm

so a socialist, an illegal alien, and a muslim walk into a bar.

the bartender says, "what can I get you mr president?"

Battletard · **Posted:** Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:45 am

Usdk wrote:

so a socialist, an illegal alien, and a muslim walk into a bar.

the bartender says, "what can I get you mr president?"

So a biracial Muslim socialist illegal alien who also happened to be racist and dabble in Christianity.

Pretty good usd.

Battletard · **Posted:** Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:47 pm

What's black and sleeps with my daughter?

Spoiler (highlight to view):

Nothing, I'm a good Father.

Usdk · **Posted:** Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:21 pm

The fast food industry is like prison.

All the white people wear different uniforms.

Battletard · **Posted:** Wed Oct 26, 2011 1:31 am

So 3 women walk into a bar...

And the bartender yells 'Make me a fucking sandwich!'

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