Jushiro wrote:
Be very afraid of Canada and our poutine!
Canadian poutine is a joke for the same reasons that the armaments of Iran and the DPRK are a joke.
Sure, they may have developed a highly lethal enriched lipid compound capable of causing cardiac failure on a global scale, but what the Canadians don't have, is an effective delivery system. Do the Canadians have "smart" delivery systems capable of delivering a payload to a specified target in a densely populated urban area? Are their delivery systems capable of differentiating between pork-eating Hindus and beef-eating Muslims? What is the maximum effective range on their best poutine delivery system? Do they have a centralized command-and-control system for their poutine delivery operations? Is their poutine delivery network ready for the Information Age?
How many long-range, high-capacity turboprop and jet planes do the Canadians have adequately equipped to deliver poutine to every corner of the globe? Have they developed the means to keep poutine stable while in transit, preventing accidental contamination? What's the shelf life of poutine? The Canadian RnD budget for the next generation of poutine is miniscule - how will they keep up with developments in gastronomics?
Do the Canadians have the means to protect their own poutine-industry workers from the dangerous effects of poutine exposure? Do they have adequate stockpiles of grease-proof outfits and antidotes for overexposure? Do they have adequate supplies of laxatives and alkaline tablets to ensure the health and safety of their own people from their poutine?
In the event of an accidental delivery, if a mid-ranking manager orders a poutine delivery beyond his authority, do the Canadians have the means to recall the delivery before the greasy payload arrives? Is there a human in the loop to ensure the safe preparation and delivery of poutine, or is poutine production highly automated, "set and forget"? Are the Canadians are committed to dealing with the fallout of a whole generation hideously deformed by pimples, rashes, hideous distending of the stomach and extremities, a decline in fertility - symptoms of extreme long-term exposure to poutine?
What about infrastructure? Are their poutine enrichment facilities hardened, situated in underground bunkers so that in the event of the unthinkable, the Canadian elite can continue to make war on the pulmonary, gastrointestinal and rectal systems of other nations? Do they have adequate stocks of not only poutine and poutine-based MREs but the secondary industry necessary to continue to produce poutine in the event civilization should collapse in a fiery greaseball?
Will not the Canadian survivors of the apocalypse envy the dead, having been deprived of the richest fast food that makes their lives worth living?
That all said, I acknowledge that there is, in fact, a massive poutine gap between the United States and the Red Leaf.
It is vital for our survival and competitiveness as a nation that we close this gap, and I strongly believe that we must invest in domestic poutine research and development. It is a fact that Canada spends more than ten times what America does on poutine, and the United States has nothing to compare to Canada's massive, nation-wide network of poutine production, storage, and distribution facilities. There are more poutine production, storage and distribution facilities in Ontario than in the whole of the continental US.
We must develop our own poutine production and delivery systems, while continuing to evaluate the threat posed to American citizens by Canadian poutine and poutine-related superiority. We must disrupt the networks of poutine experts and poutine chef training camps. We must prevent the proliferation of poutine, and take action to stop Canadian sales of poutine-related items such as protective clothing, "cookbooks", and condiments to China, Venezuela, Iran, and other enemies of the US eagerly seeking to acquire hot enriched poutine.
