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CINCINNATI, OH - Researchers at the University of Cincinnati, led by Dr Mayo, have developed a new form of abortion, applicable to fetuses in the previously unidentified fourth phase of pregnancy, occurring during the post-natal period.
This new form of abortion has been described as bearing some similarities to the controversial D&X procedure, but simpler in nature. In the white paper, Dr Mayo claims he performs the abortion simply by whacking the infant with his rubber Fisher-Price hammer. He claims that this new procedure promises to dramatically widen the choice and scope of available abortion procedures.
However, the new "fourth-term" abortion has proven extremely controversial in some medical circles.
"This is a travesty," said one researcher, who asked not to be identified. "How can you have a neonatal abortion? In some cases we're talking about "fetuses" as old as 30."
Another researcher, who was credited as a primary contributor to the paper, said, "This isn't what I signed up for. Mayo hijacked the entire project. He's not even really a doctor. He's just a fat nerd. He likes to use the word 'abortion' to describe a process with no utility whatsoever. These so-called 'abortions' are just random people he whacks with his Fisher-Price hammer."
Dr Mayo, however, insists that the procedure is medically sound and highly effective. "I'm talking to a bunch of medical providers, arranging billing for procedure. You don't believe me? Fuck you. I'm gonna get rich off this. I'm a big deal, I tell you. Fourth-term abortion is the most amazing thing since hoagies and cheap beer."
Dr Mayo is a charter member of the "Fat People For Fourth-Term Abortion" and "Equal Sexing Opportunity For Fatsos" activist groups. He earned his medical degree as a vanity item in a charity raffle held at a depression and obesity support group. He currently resides in a small, dank apartment in Cincinnati with three other individuals he claims to hate.
The Associated Press contributed to this report.
