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Diablo 3 Infected With Viruses
A recent National Institute of Health investigation into a sudden outbreak of influenza disproportionately affecting young white males has fingered infected distributions of Diablo 3 as the cause.
"We aren't quite sure how the software boxes themselves became infected with influenza," said Dr Martin Thompson, a medical researcher for the NIH in Washington, DC. "One theory is that the boxes were packed in China, by farmers hired on as temporary workers.
"What we do know is that purchasers of Diablo 3 are almost twenty times more likely than the general population to contract influenza. The day after the product shipped, businesses and educational institutions received a tidal wave of reports of flu and flu-like conditions, such as high fever and malaise. Investigation revealed an almost one hundred percent correlation between those reports and purchases of Diablo 3.
"We're recommending any individuals who purchased the software to bag it up and deliver it to their local health authorities. Especially the Collector's Editions - those who purchased that version of the software appear to have an even greater risk of contracting influenza. There's still a lot we don't know about this outbreak, so we've arranged to have them mailed to the NIH central office for professional analysis."
With regards to mortality, Dr Thompson said, "We haven't actually come across any fatalities associated with the disease, but we believe that's because this particular demographic is often withdrawn and asocial. Indeed, there are cases of Diablo 3 players literally dying at their keyboards, although never to flu.
"We have heard anecdotes about these individuals remarking that a friend, 'went to hell and died alot,' a verbal anomaly which seems to indicate that this particular strain of the virus is not only fatal, but causes the kind of speech anomalies associated with high fever and dementia. We have heard that these individuals have complained to employers and academic authorities of extremely high fevers, so this doesn't come as a surprise to us.
"Many individuals examined tested negative for influenza, but exhibited signs of extreme twitchiness and sensitivity to light. The diagnosis of flu that we're currently working based on reporting from schools and employers may be premature. This may be an entirely new disease, so it's very important that we get as much information as we can.
"I want to emphasize the importance of turning in Collector's Editions to your local health authorities, so we can have them shipped to us here in DC. We strongly recommend not unpacking them before doing so. To be completely clear, we want them in mint condition."
Company representatives at Blizzard-Activision, however, resent the implication that their product is infected with viruses.
"Blizzard-Activision remains dedicated to the health of our playerbase," said Jessica DaSilva, a spokeswoman with the video game producer. "It's not in our best interest to kill off our most dedicated customers. They are, after all, how we make a profit.
"We here at Blizzard-Activision resent the implication that our products are tainted because they were pushed out the door before they could be properly tested."
