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I need information on self-hatred. I don't care to discuss my personal fucked up shit, but if anyone can give me help on this, I'd really fucking appreciate it. I went to therapy today at 9 am. It's now 12:15 pm. I don't see myself sleeping today. I am so stressed out and pissed off and fucked up and I really just want to call out of work because I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep in time or how I'm supposed to handle my shit tonight.

Books, wiki, parables, philosophical writings, editorials, whatever. I don't care. I want to read about this. I need to try to understand.

It's to the point where even suicide is viewed as too quick and easy and painless. I'm really scaring the shit out of myself with all this. I would rather spiral downwards and self destruct slowly over time because I hate myself and I feel like I deserve that more than a swift end. Maybe it's just because I'm a chicken shit and I don't want to end it.

I can't believe I'm fucking writing this.

Brawlsack

Taking an extended hiatus from gaming

I honestly do not believe you truly want change - but I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

So let me ask you. What would you like to be different in your life?

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

I appreciate the benefit of the doubt. I do want change. Am I prepared for the journey ahead of me? Who the fuck knows. Will I fail along the way? Probably at some point. Who doesnt?

I'm not naive enough to think happiness is a destination we arrive at and not a lifelong process of ups and downs.


I want to understand self hatred. I feel like I'd be in a better position to decipher and process my feelings. I am already seeking professional help. I have resumed exercising more in order to feel better emotionally and look better (I'm down to 196 now) but I do know that I have been neglecting reading.

I think this is a good place to start on that front.

Brawlsack

Taking an extended hiatus from gaming

You didn't answer my question.

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2

I think information on self-love (no not that kind of self love...) and self respect would be much more beneficial to you than self hatred.

I struggled with the issue of self-hatred for many years....but I realized you can only improve if you acknowledge your faults, then work to change them. Love yourself for who you are...the good and the bad. Realize that no human is perfect, and you're probably a lot better of a person than many. Have you made mistakes? Absolutely. Learn from them and improve....don't beat yourself up over them...what does that accomplish? Does sitting around saying "I suck and I deserve this" really do anything?

Don't let what anyone else thinks about you influence you negatively, or make you hate yourself. Don't let your circumstances, no matter how tough or seemingly insurmountable, allow you to think you deserve only bad things....it's simply not true.

I think self-hatred is one of the most destructive things...and it prevents you from improving and achieving.

If you want to change, you first need to change how you view yourself.

And you didn't answer mine. You can help, or fuck off.

Brawlsack

Taking an extended hiatus from gaming

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

Ehy Brotard, I can tell you're extremely upset (not that you shouldn't be) just by reading your posts.

I like using the phrase "Self-Destructive Hate Spiral" though it never truly fits, maybe it does here. I don't know.

Anyways, I made this post because I care about you and I understand (to a lesser extent) what you're going through.

If it's anything like what I went through, you're doing things you'd normally never do, things that would (as you said) scare you. Scare you for numerous reasons. It's a struggle man, it really is. I can only begin to imagine how bad it is for you.

Firstly, I know this might be asking a bit much, but try not to lash out, especially not at Aestu. It's only going to make things worse and it could get really ugly.
If anyone says anything that upsets you, instead of lashing out, open notepad and write it down in there. Then later, when you're a little more clear headed or a bit better through all this, reread everything. If you still feel strongly about them, then take the time to address them in a calm, constructive manner.

If you're asking for help the last thing you want to do is attack people who try but don't succeed, whether they intend to or not. It will only push them away and possibly discourage additional people from trying to help.

That all being said, I'm not accusing you of lashing out frequently or anything, just saying that it's a thin line you walk and I know you wouldn't want to cross it.

Who knows though, maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.




Moving on,

Because I don't know the word for it or if this is what you mean by self hate or if this is even remotely close to what you're feeling, I'm just going to go with it. Take from it what you deem useful, disregard what you don't.

The first thing to realize is, your substituting pain for what once filled your void. You have to find something more positive to fill it. Sounds like you're making some good steps towards that. Maybe you're doing what you need to and it's just going to be a slow road to recovery in which case it's just a matter of time and making it to the end goal. Try not to give yourself any free time and by free I mean time where you're just sitting around thinking. Play games, hangout with friends, do things you've been doing, listen to music. The more brain power you focus into doing/thinking about other things, the easier it will be I believe.

Optimally, maybe start a personal project. Some sort of artistic piece, it doesn't have to be good, just mean something to you. Spending time with your kids could help but maybe you don't feel comfortable around them in your current mind set, I'd understand that. You do what you think is best for them and yourself. Should you decide (if you're not already) to spend time with the kids, perhaps you can do a project with them of some sort. Something they'd like to do.

Catch is, when you stop keeping yourself busy and it hits you again, it's possibly going to be overwhelming. This is where I suggest having someone or something that is always there for you, someone that's reliable and that you can depend on. When that feeling hits you, you won't always have someone or something around to talk to/support you and that's one of the times you'll need it the most.

Slowly but surely it will get easier. You'll think about it less and less and when you do it will have a much lower impact on you. It's going to be rough but I know you can do it. You're a great guy and you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

You can do this man. It's going to suck camel dicks but you can get through it.

I wish you well.












*Disclaimer: Highly possible that what I typed made no sense or is inaccurate. I'm just pulling it all out of my ass and I have no idea what I'm talking about D:

I've never been low, so I can't speak from experience.

It may only be vaguely relevant, but the only advice I've got for you is be a good father. And you don't fucking need me to tell you that.

If destruction exists, we must destroy everything.
Shuruppak Yuratuhl
Slaad Shrpk Breizh

best advice.

and like azelma said, avoid going down. if you've hit rockbottom, why perpetuate it? my roommate just violently broke up with her boyfriend of several years, and the roughest days for her were the ones where she just allowed herself to sit around and brood. don't do that. it's not worth it to yourself, or your kids to stay in this place.

find something constructive to do - hell if you can afford it go on a holiday; a weekend somewhere new where you're forced into a strange place will do wonders to help move yourself out of this. you have friends and family as well, never be afraid of falling back on the social support structure you've (hopefully) built over the past several years - if friends aren't here for you now, ditch them; fair-weather friends aren't worth the effort.

i realize this isn't quite what you wanted, but.... :/

more on topic: self-hatred is psychologically a symptom of (most likely in your case), major depression, which probably is only exacerbated by the fact that you suffer from bipolar disorder. I can only begin to imagine how much pain you're in atm, and honestly my advice from someone who's had some issues with mental illness

A) stay in therapy
B) medication

I fucking hate both but they helped immensely when I was at my lowest with my agoraphobia. small steps.

I really apologize for the convoluted, somewhat trainofconciousness nature of this post, but I hope it provides just a little help.

I'll do some more reading on self-hatred and depression later though, since all I have for the week is my mom's macbook and I can't just watch Dr Who all week.

http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/a ... rge_menand



The bottom line is, there is no silver bullet.

Nor is there a fixed, straight-and-steady answer like doing the shrink bit. Necra's response is enormously insightful and constructive; more concisely, you simply have to work your shit out - or not.

I asked "what would you like to change?" because the answer to that question would establish whether you are simply depressed (by that I mean your self-hate, as with Kay, by way of example, is simply a question of attitude and disposition), or whether you are angry/upset about things that can perhaps in some way be remedied (as with me, or Zaryi, for example, who was on pills for years but only felt better when she finally took my advice, broke up with me, found a better guy, and started doing things out of the house).

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

exercise more, or start exercising if you dont already.

it helps burn off aggression, and it helps to set and reach goals of ANY kind.

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Battletard lemons! Does life know who you are? You're the man that's gonna burn life's house down! With the lemons! You're going to hire your goblin engineers to make a combustible lemon that burn life's house down!

Therapy doesn't magically make things better in a single session. However a fun alternative would be to punch babies.

Druid: Meowth
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