Battletard wrote:
The point I'm getting at is not learning about self hatred because I want to continue with those thinking patterns.
The point is to be able to identify and understand them as they occur so I can trace the root causes and take on the actual problems as opposed to the feelings.
Makes sense - but really there's not much to "learn" about self hatred, I think.
I don't know all the reasons you're feeling intense self hatred....but I'd bet that having your relationship break up is a huge contributor to these feelings, or certainly exacerbated feelings that were already there. If someone you love and want to make things work with decides they no longer feel the same way and don't want to be with you...that's invalidating and can make you ask the question "What's wrong with me?" and possibly provide the answer "X, Y, and Z is wrong with me. I fucking suck. I hate me and wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me either"
I say this because this is the thought pattern I went through after breaking up with a girl I'd dated for 5 years. I only saw things from her perspective....because I put such a high value on what she thought about me (
far too much value). Once she thought I was no good...I thought "fuck, she's right...I AM no good"
I think humans can feel self hatred because of a disconnect between what they wish they were, and what they are. Humans feel self hatred when they have a myopic view of their life....focusing on their failures, comparing themselves to the successes of others, etc.
Those are some reasons for self hatred...and it may help you to understand them. Truthfully though, I think that change comes not from understanding "oh this is why I hate myself" but from asking the question "why should I love myself?" "what are the good things I do?" "how can I improve on the things I do that aren't so good?"
I get that you're trying to be constructive about it...but to me...focusing on the negative in such an emotional way makes it very difficult to really change your outlook. That's what you need to do. You need to rewire your thinking to stop focusing on all the things you do poorly, or all the reasons you suck...and think of the things you do well at and ways you can improve.
That's being constructive. "Constructive Criticism" isn't about saying "all this stuff sucks and here's why it sucks" it's about saying "these are the good parts of it, and this is where it could be made better"
Notice the difference in tone? It's a glass half-empty glass half-full kind of thing. I know, completely cliche...but that's really what I think it is.
So I must ask you. What do you do well? What do you like about yourself? What makes you feel good about yourself (could be anything...something as simple as "I DO GUD DPS!" would count ;p )?
Then once you answer that....where would you like to improve? What would you like to do better?
