Parents remaining friends with an ex

Battletard · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 2:28 am

Aestu wrote:

Battletard wrote:

So this thread is about you now? k. Always seems to go that route. Why don't you just refrain from posting in threads that aren't about you? You do nothing but jack them. Nobody else on these boards can have that said of them.

No, no, it's not about me at all. You are not now complaining because I talked about myself, you are complaining because you didn't like what i said about you.

Battletard wrote:

Your first post was nothing short of classless and shitty, if I've done that kind of thing to you in the past (and I have) why don't you man up and address them with me in a venue better suited for such things?

If you have anything else to say to me, do so via personal message, and I'd suggest extending this courtesy to others on the boards as well. If your intent and your motives are indeed as you claim, this won't be a problem. If your intent is to be an internet badass, by all means, continue to threadjack and make everything about you.

Personally, I think calling someone a "shitty human being" because they said things in good faith that you just didn't like is pretty "classless".

Did you make a point of "seeking the proper venue" when you said unkind things? Even now - you decided to say all kinds of really mean things publicly but now you want me to respond in any way privately. Isn't that hypocritical?

Battletard wrote:

I see parallels in our lives as well, but the parallels end with how we choose to deal with them. You choose to be a victim intent on obtaining revenge, and I choose to continue on and put my best foot forward despite whatever shitty circumstances I've endured in the past.

From what we know, from what you say, this is not true.

Again - when you asked for help with your life a short while back, and I and others tried to help in good faith, you simply weren't interested, it appeared more like you just wanted to feel good about yourself rather than receive any kind of real constructive analysis. And here again in this thread you made the choice to completely disregard the constructive advice and questions I offered and instead whined about your own hurt feelings.

You said you don't like others speculating about or criticizing your life. Something I've refrained from doing. But you seem more than fine speculating and criticizing about mine. Again, isn't that hypocritical?

Battletard wrote:

Is that the holier-than-thou attitude you speak of towards me? I don't compare myself to you, at least not until you post comparisons of your own. You're not a big deal to me. I don't go through my day and through my life thinking about you. I couldn't care less how you deal with your life and live your life, but when you step in here shitting up a thread that has nothing to do with you for whatever personal vindication you obtain from it, that's pretty much being a shitty human being.

You just did and you are now.

I didn't shit up this thread - you did. You could have responded to what I said, for reasons that were very relevant, with acknowledgment, apology, then addressing the more positive/constructive portions of what I said.

Instead you chose to take offense unnecessarily, arrogantly refused to address your behavior, spewed a bunch of basal insults that have nothing to do with anything, and completely blocked out constructive input. So...yeah.

Playing victim is an ongoing trend with you, isn't it?

Aestu · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 2:40 am

Battletard · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 2:46 am

Aestu wrote:

zzz

Usdk · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 3:15 am

The most dependable topic that receives a longwinded aestu post is anything that has to do with human interaction.

And of all the people on this board he's the least qualified to comment on it.

Aestu · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 3:45 am

Usdk wrote:

The most dependable topic that receives a longwinded aestu post is anything that has to do with human interaction.
And of all the people on this board he's the least qualified to comment on it.

Why?

Fantastique · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 3:52 am

Brawlsack wrote:

live off their dime sitting on your ass in a room paid for by them, going to a school no doubt paid for by them, spending thousands of dollars on your obsessive compulsive driven WoW account, sitting on a computer they probably bought and using an internet connection they probably pay for.

This is my life too, except that I pay for my WoW account myself, as well as a few other things

Point is, I don't think there's any shame in having things paid for by your parents, so long as you give in return. For example, my mum wouldn't DREAM of taking a cent from her child. As for me, I wouldn't DREAM of putting mum in a home or w/e if she needed help. That's what I'm there for, no matter what.

Mum paid for everything in my life, including school, games, my car, health and dental insurance, I live at home, etc. But I didn't squander it. I could have paid for all that myself if I had to, but I was able to throw some more focus into enjoying my life. I had great paying jobs (gotta love working in medical field + working for the gov't), and was never expected to pay rent or any of that. Of course I pay for myself when I go out and when I buy games now and other personal things.

Just a different way of being a good parent, I suppose. I don't think the tough love thing is bad by any means, I just don't think it's necessary.

inb4 someone saying I'm not ready for the world, etc. Like I said, I could have handled life issues just as easily as anyone else. But because I didn't have to, I'd wager I had a better time growing up!

EDIT: Sorry, made the thread about me now but I think it's because I didn't really have anything to add to the topic at hand.

Usdk · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 3:57 am

Aestu wrote:

Usdk wrote:

The most dependable topic that receives a longwinded aestu post is anything that has to do with human interaction.
And of all the people on this board he's the least qualified to comment on it.

Why?

You don't get along with your parents or anyone else that I know of.

IMO that means youre bad at it.

Battletard · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 3:59 am

That's really not the point of this thread. The point of this thread has nothing to do with where I live other than it's their house and they therefore do have the right to have her over for dinner and go on outings with her and my boys.

Having the right do something and exercising those rights are two separate matters.

I am not asking them to give up any kind of relationship with my boys, or with her for that matter. I just feel like it's insensitive and fucked up to have her over here like nothing's happened.

This goes farther than 'hi' and 'goodbye', much farther. The chance of her refusing to allow my parents and I to continue to see my boys is less than 0%. She is not that kind of person. She understands that my continued involvement in my children's life is absolutely critical to their well being, as do I.

Aestu wrote:

Look on the bright side, though. The children are no longer your responsibility. You have places to go, on FUBU and surely IRL friends. And there's always military welfare - you're young and fit enough to join up, no? So perhaps you may yet manage to turn things around.

My job is not done, Aestu. Parenthood doesn't end when two people separate. I'm sorry you feel that way. It doesn't ever end.

Yuratuhl · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 4:54 am

Fantastique wrote:

inb4 someone saying I'm not ready for the world, etc. Like I said, I could have handled life issues just as easily as anyone else. But because I didn't have to, I'd wager I had a better time growing up!

Nobody's ready for the world. Everything is preparation and research. And pretending better than everyone else.

React, the reason your parents are carrying on like nothing happened is because that's exactly the situation they'd prefer. They're projecting the reality they want. Next.

Boredalt · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 7:48 am

Yuratuhl wrote:

React, the reason your parents are carrying on like nothing happened is because that's exactly the situation they'd prefer. They're projecting the reality they want. Next.

Probably this. Also, you're grieving. When someone is hurting as badly as you apparently are, nothing the person you blame for your pain does can be good in any way. And anyone who seems to support/interact/side with your ex also lands squarely on your shit list. It's not possible for you to fully step outside of your situation to view things objectively, right now. You're still just too raw. All you want to do is stop hurting, and if that's not possible, attack anyone else who doesn't acknowledge the wrong done to you. This is all a natural reaction to grief.

I'm not trying to defend your parents, exactly... I don't know them... but I'd wager that their motives are not to hurt you. Their actions seem much more in line with keeping a good relationship with the mother of their grandchildren, as others have suggested. Perhaps they feel that this is a way to help keep an eye on the kids to make sure they get what they need. I've tried to imagine if my son split with his wife, and how I'd respond with regard to my grandchildren. I can absolutely see my wife and I trying to keep a good relationship with my daughter-in-law... selfishly, perhaps... rather than lose even the smallest part of the relationship we have with our "babies". Animosity between family members rubs off on children, and they'll soon be old enough to try to avoid the tension they most certainly will feel, and that means avoiding the people/places from whom that tension seems to emanate. Think about how difficult your current living arrangements are for your parents re their grandchildren.

IMO, it is important to realize that it isyour relationship with your ex that has changed. The parameters of your new relationship is for the two of you to work out... not your parents, not your kids and not your friends, etc. The other people in your lives shouldn't have to choose sides, or tippy-toe. Also, put yourself in your kids' shoes. If their parents can't be together, what is the next best scenario? Parents who are friends who just couldn't live together happily, or parents who are enemies who avoid each other? To your children, it won't matter who left or who is to blame. They just need as much love as they can get... from mom, dad, grandparents... everyone.

I know you can't think about anything except how much you are hurting, and I get it that this wasn't your choice, but this is so much more than just the two of you.

tl;dr

You're hurting and looking for fault anywhere you can find it... this will pass.
Kids first.
FUBU is a nice place to vent, but there are professionals who can help you work through this if you need it.

Aestu · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:39 am

Usdk wrote:

You don't get along with your parents or anyone else that I know of.

This is provably untrue. But ofc you will continue to believe something even though it is provably untrue. Go figure.

Aestu · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:52 am

Battletard wrote:

That's really not the point of this thread. The point of this thread has nothing to do with where I live other than it's their house and they therefore do have the right to have her over for dinner and go on outings with her and my boys.

Having the right do something and exercising those rights are two separate matters.

I am not asking them to give up any kind of relationship with my boys, or with her for that matter. I just feel like it's insensitive and fucked up to have her over here like nothing's happened.

My job is not done, Aestu. Parenthood doesn't end when two people separate. I'm sorry you feel that way. It doesn't ever end.

So let me get this straight.

You think you have a right to continue to have a relationship with the kids in spite of what happened, but you think that it's outrageous that your parents continue to have a relationship with their mother in spite of what happened.

You are frustrated that your parents arbitrarily impose their wishes on you, but you think they should fall out with someone because you did.

You said what the point of the thread isn't, but you didn't say what the point of the thread is.

Battletard wrote:

Aestu wrote:

Look on the bright side, though. The children are no longer your responsibility. You have places to go, on FUBU and surely IRL friends. And there's always military welfare - you're young and fit enough to join up, no? So perhaps you may yet manage to turn things around.

My job is not done, Aestu. Parenthood doesn't end when two people separate. I'm sorry you feel that way. It doesn't ever end.

I don't "feel that way". It's fucking reality.

Whether or not it would be appropriate or preferable that the kids be your responsibility, the fact is, they are not. And whether or not you intend to meet that responsibility, the fact is, you cannot.

So what is your role in the business of raising the kids, exactly? And please don't tell me "love and caring". Caring is doing. No one could ever but approve of someone who says they "love their kids". Saying you "love your kids" is free and effortless, but doing so does a lot more for you than them. Children are smart, and they can easily see when parents really mean it or when they're just saying it for themselves. Something you've learned from your own life. So...what do you bring to the table?

Maybe Boredalt and Tuhl are onto something. Yes your parents seem to impose the reality they prefer (I know mine do)...but maybe you do the same thing. You want to be the responsible mature parent, you want to be bigger than things you don't like, so you talk the talk as if reality will follow suit.

Kayllaira · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 12:51 pm

Zaryi wrote:

This needs a popcorn.gif

D:

Def.

Zaryi · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 2:02 pm

Kayllaira wrote:

Zaryi wrote:

This needs a popcorn.gif

D:

Def.

was thinking

it's delightfully creepy

Meowth · **Posted:** Sat Jul 14, 2012 4:01 pm

Aestu wrote:

Usdk wrote:

You don't get along with your parents or anyone else that I know of.

This is provably untrue. But ofc you will continue to believe something even though it is provably untrue. Go figure.

You sure like to give the opposite impression.

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