So today, I went outside.
I am applying to several schools in the British Commonwealth and Africa, hoping to see the world, save big bucks on tuition, discover opportunities in faraway lands, and have sex with very pale and very dark women. To this end, the app forms require notarized copies of my passport, diploma (wiped off fecal stains), and birth certificate. So I went to the nearest notary, at the local UPS.
As Meowth claimed, the UPS there goes through a great deal of turnover. Today it was some klutzy white guy about my age and of comparable background; clearly of slightly above-average intelligence but not comparable to me.
So I asked, "Are you the notary?"
"Yep. This will be my first time notarizing!"
"Awesome. I was thinking of becoming a notary. How do you do it?"
"Just go to City Hall and fill out some forms. That's all."
"No need to take a class?"
"Nope. It's another thing to put on your resume. And you get this cool stamp!" He waved the stamp around, an impressive clamp-shaped piece of chrome and rubber.
"That's a really cool stamp!"
"Yeah!"
So he wasn't sure how to do it or what the price schedule was. The manager, a quiet, wary, solicitous, no-loose-ends kind of guy, hectored the "notary" as he made this or that minor mistake. I had similar experiences dealing with that German guy I worked for, so this did not seem strange or outrageous to me; I know that these kinds of clerical tasks demand great precision lest errors compound. After a bunch of failures, it got done. Ten copies each of my passport, diploma, and birth certificate. It took the better part of an hour as each copy had to be stamped and hand-signed. We chatted it up while all this was done.
$30, probably a net loss for the UPS station on a revenue-per-hour basis.
It was clear to me this job demanded great clerical precision. And this kid was no stronger than I am. So apparently I owe Meowth an apology. He was right and I was wrong. I resolved to have my apology printed out, notarized at the UPS and mailed to Meowth if he so desired. Maybe I should become a notary. I'll travel to City Hall Wednesday and check it out.
So anyway, I took all this paper and packed them up together with a copy of my resume, the app forms, and a cover letter:
Quote:
Dear University [redacted],
Enclosed please find my application to the University's Chemistry and International Security progams. Also enclosed are transcripts from instutions in the United States at which I have previously studied (in reverse chronological order): University of Massachusetts at Boston, San Francisco State University, City College of San Francisco , and California State University at Sacramento, as well as notarized copies of my passport, birth certificate, undergraduate diploma, and resume. GMAT/GRE scores are on order and should arrive shortly.
My interest in University [redacted], is the result of both happenstance and longstanding goals. A close family friend and son of Hobart previously had care of my infirm parents during my undergraduate education. I completed my undergraduate degree in Classical Studies about the same time his visa ran out. Considering the many life options available to me, I decided upon continuing my studies in Hobart.
Like any good American, I love my country dearly. Yet in these troubled times, I find much wanting in our domestic situation. I know Australia to be a beautiful and peaceful country, and through bonds with family friends of professional reputation I have long been fascinated by the country and desirous to live amongst its people. I am particularly interested in learning through experience how Australia's society works on a day-to-day basis - resolving social and economic issues which seem intractable in the United States.
The University's programs in chemistry and international affairs are well-regarded, and I am hopeful to undertake these studies should my application be acceptable to the University.
Sincerely,
I used the same cover letter for all three applications that I mailed today, mad-libbing it for universities in both Australia and Kiwiland. What I said is about 20% true, 80% bullshit, but I could prove every word of it if I had to.
I also included a copy of that stupid Capstone paper Umholtz forced me to write. Whatever. Maybe those people from the dark side of the planet will be impressed, and anyway, its sheer bulk made the package seem more impressive. I think that will be a major compelling factor.
There was no application fee for any. Pleasant surprise and remarkable change of pace from the US where they DING you for $200 just for asking them permission...to give them a hundred thousand bucks. All the apps were between two and five pages in length, with no essay segment, in stark contrast to the torturous 15-25 page long apps with multiple retarded guessing-game essay segments on American apps.
I only filled out three apps because I needed to order more transcripts from each of the five colleges I attended. I will fill out more later, although I may not bother if the university in Kiwiland approves. I was
deeply fascinated by the girl scene there, and my educational background should prove quite relevant. I haven't filled out apps to Kenya or Mugabeland yet, those being a lower priority.
I have decided that if none of these schools in the Commonwealth agree to take a washed-up American, then I'll just go for the MA in Accounting here stateside (I was approved for a federal loan) then cash my MA in for a commission in the Chair Force and pay off the loans with the bounty I will earn for the heroic defense of my country.
