Azelma wrote:
Aestu in jail? Misdemeanor...I'm guessing pot, or disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
It's unfortunate you feel you can't be friendly with people Aestu, but I think this certainly explains your history with guilds and communities in WoW.
Don't you get lonely though, and wish for close friendships? You could change how you behave...sure having unloving parents can make you afraid of getting close to people (because those you are supposed to love and be closest too alienated you), but that doesn't mean it always has to be that way.
While people are a product of their environment in many ways, I hold the fundamental belief that people can change if they put in the effort.
Pot? Are you high?
My parents weren't unloving per se. They were inconsistent and would do things at cross purposes. They were 100% unsupportive. I remember, when I was a small child - about eight - I got the idea of putting up a lemonade stand using lemons we had hanging on a tree. My mother said it was a stupid idea and not to do it. We lived in peaceful suburbs and it was a hot summer. She bitched about it until I yelled at her to shut up and went and did it anyway.
A bunch of college kids and yuppies came by and bought lemonade for their girlfriends, every 15 minutes or so. I made about a hundred bucks.
Next school year, the Roris ("RoseIris") catalogue was passed around. I bought many rhizomes, enough to qualify for the highest tier of discount, pooling with a friend. I planted them and cultivated them for years. Every two years I dug them up and split them in two, endlessly selling off the budded plants for ten bucks each. This was a huge cash cow. I bought a computer.
Some years later, I attended a summer camp. There was an argument where one parent said, "Well, my son looked me in the eye and said Ethan did it, and he never lies to me." My mother replied, "I'm sorry." He was lying.
My parents never miss an opportunity to second-guess or actively undermine me. A lot of my headstrong and what comes off as arrogant nature is driven by being accustomed to being right when I'm told I'm wrong. Whether it's my parents, or a bureaucrat, or a dumb boss, or some retarded pug, it's a constant in my life. I keep to myself.
I'm still supported by them because I don't want to take on a student debt, but I never call them or talk to them.
My mother mails me home-baked muffins occasionally. She also said, "you'll be dead by thirty." She also tells me how much she believes in me; my father is convinced I'll be a billionaire one day. He also tells me I should pursue a career as a public servant, as it's a safe occupation for eccentrics who can't work in offices. Once, I gave my younger brother a pack of smokes as a gag present for his 18th birthday. Accusingly, he asked me, "Where did you get that?!?" "The store, you fucking retard. Go beach yourself like a whale in front of the fan".
I held onto the muffins for six months, too spiteful to eat them. I then mailed the moldy globs back.
Sorting out reality from pretense is something I've learned to do the hard way. I also understand well the irrationality of human nature.
There's a small part of me that seeks friendship - but I don't find solitude uncomfortable or really unsettling the way most people do. The discomfort others feel about watching others suffer, or the love they feel for their kin or significant others, or how they mind solitude, or desperately need friends, has no place in my psychology.
If I were alone on an island, I would never freak out the way the protagonist of "Cast Away" does, like most people in that situation. My brother once commented it would be like more like Robinson Crusoe.
I am very aloof. I feel fine this way, and I believe it helps me see the world more clearly.
