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AKA "The Gun"
AKA "ROFeraL"

World Renowned Mexican Forklift Artiste

freshman year of college, my roomate had his girlfriend (still in high school) up for the weekend. She brought her friend, who was a big athletic girl who knew what she wanted, and what she wanted was me.

Anyway we hook up, and she goes back to highschool land after getting my phone number and IM screen name. This was the days of AIM, ah the memories. Anyway, she IMs me and says, "I'm going to call you at 5pm, we can have 5pm be our talk time every day"

She calls at 5pm, I do not answer, she signs on to chat, "why didn't you answer?" I say, "I think you took this a little more seriously than me"

At this point she's bitching or whatever about me being a jerk and how she thought we had a connection, and I bust out the big guns:

"Look. Don't go away mad. Just go away"

I don't like Mayonnaise. I think he's a complete asshole and the worst possible moderator for these forums. I'm allowed to say this because nothing is censored here.

During an intake for a hospital visit (YES IM CRAZY DONT FUCK WITH ME) I was asked if I'd ever attempted suicide or had thoughts of harming myself.

I replied 'it was so long ago it's damn near laughable.'

The intake nurse said 'Sir, suicide is never laughable young man.'

I shot back 'Well then, what if a clown commits suicide? Would it then be laughable?,' amid stifled laughter from the police officers present. 'What about Dane Cook, I can imagine that wouldn't be very laughable...had it been Carlin, however I believe I'd die of laughter..'

'That's enough sir..'

Brawlsack

Taking an extended hiatus from gaming

When I was in high school I was hanging around Boston with a large group of punks. This huge pack of us was going all over the city, drinking, skateboarding and just getting into general mischief. We're crossing the street, and coming from the other side of the street is this blind guy with a cane. One of the drunkest dudes with us flat out shoves the guy, both hands on they guys chest, and the guy goes flying ending up getting completely laid out and then, the drunk punk yells to the guy "Hey Faggot! Buy some eyes!."

Me and a buddy dropped our boards and just skated as fast as we could down the street, didn't stop for a mile. To this day I have no idea what the aftermath was. I'm still convinced that when I die, if there is a St. Peter standing at some pearly gates he's gonna have tons of questions for me on this.

i shouted, "Allah isn't real!" at a group of kids throwing rocks at my humvee.

I was in college in Orlando living in an apartment with my girlfriend of about a year after she moved down from New York to live with me. At the time we were also living with my friend John.

One night we went out to this club called Fusion in Orlando. BT was playing so we were upstairs drinking while he was spinning on the first floor.

Met up with some girls. Drinks, shots, drinks, shots. We all go back to my friends place...not my apartment (where my girlfriend was sleeping). Ended up hooking up with one of the chicks. Made sure to chick them out asap in the morning and went back to sleep on my friends couch.

An hour later the girlfriend is banging on the door looking for me. She comes in screaming about something though I couldn't understand what due to the hangover. Apparently the girl had left a note on the coffee table next to where I Was sleeping saying she had a great time, call her, etc. I got yelled at for like two hours.

Get back to the apartment, girlfriend is packing her bags. She is moving back home and we had broken up. She is not speaking to me so I decide the best idea is to chill at the dining room table with John and Seth (who were both with me the time before), drink beer, and play magic cards.

Girlfriend ends up packing her car and takes off on the 23 hour drive back to Rochester.

About three hours later we are still drinking and playing cards. John goes to the fridge and notices some yogurt that jen had left behind. Now she was always crazy about people eating her food and demanded that we all ask her if we could take anything she had purchased.

So John, being the nice guy he is...comes back to the table with the yogurt and calls Jens phone.

John - "Hey how is the drive? Is it cool if I eat one of your yogurts"
Jen - "GO F UCK YOURSELF" *CLICK*

Probably the hardest I have ever laughed

Henq wins.

Brawlsack

Taking an extended hiatus from gaming

I called my mother a hooker once because I thought it had something to do with singing, and she was singing.

There was this guy who worked at the HazMat/Retape/Leaker area of UPS who dropped off a box at my trailer I was loading at the time. He walked in and noticed how awesome of a job I was doing at loading, keeping everything nice and square. Perfection.

His comment was something around the line of "That's a nice tight wall, just like a baby." He walked out and smirked back at me.

"Ethan, I have virgin lips."
"Which pair?"

Uncomprehending gaze. Then the eyes slowly widen, and-

Aestu of Bleeding Hollow...

Nihilism is a copout.

Why do so many women want to sleep with Jesus?











Because he's well hung.











And another...

How do you fit four gay men onto a bar stool?














Turn it upside down.

"It's not gay if u spit"

and....

I was explaining a couple of facts about an iPhone to an obese woman who wanted to purchase one and I accidentally said
"That's another big fat about owning an iPhone" instead of "That's another big fact about owning..." I felt so bad afterwards.

also...

My friend Dave was sitting next to me and was eating Raisinets in a movie theatre and he was like "These taste so good...their like wonderfully delicious Jesus tears"

one of the worst things ive heard:
one of my friends was a bike taxi person in downtown raleigh
she was giving this couple a tour of raleigh as they had just moved here
as she was passing one of raleighs gay clubs the guy yelled out, "this place smells like aids" to all the people waiting outside
she immediately stopped her bike and kicked them all off right in front of the club

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sunshine.kittens.bubblegum.happythoughts

fxt

Worst thing I've ever said:

I was with this girl more or less a few months ago and she was nice and all but she had real low self esteem and kept putting me up on a pedestal like I'm a god or something. Honesty I'm a pretty horrible person and I realize this but I did the nice thing and tried to build it up so she wouldn't. Anyway one day she flips out because my best friend happens to be a girl and she stayed the night with me one night.

After a long and pretty emo conversation I told her, "Shut the fuck up. At first you were just a piece of ass. As hard as I tried to help you, you found new ways to fuck it up. You're crazy, get the fuck out of my apartment."

Meant every word. I feel kinda bad about it but we talked and we're cool now, though she no longer gives blowjobs. But that was the worst thing I've ever said to anyone in my life.

Worst thing I've ever heard: "I don't love you and I never did. Oh and I fucked your best friend."

:'[