I was going to start a Livejournal and put this down there, but the Create Account function seems to be broken at the moment and I feel the urge to write while my mind is animated; I expect some people will read it and some won't.
I previously mentioned the professor whom I didn’t have a very high opinion of. I was quite antagonistic eventually, in response to what I saw as his priggishness, pettiness, and shallow pedantry – it annoys me greatly when professors think that having dialogue about complex human issues is more important than arriving at absolute truth, and get wary when exchanges run off the beaten track and challenge deeply held values and assumptions. I thought about it more and realized it was unjustified – I was acting based on my prejudices and past experiences.
The other day, I apologized, and he smiled and accepted the apology. This actually caught me really off guard because it again conflicted with my initial impressions and also that if the tables were turned I would have perceived it as being motivated by self-interest (kissing up for a better grade). I was unsure what he was actually thinking - whether he thought he’d “won”, or interpreting it favorably as flattery, or really did feel I’d seen how irrational my actions were (which was the case).
Regardless, I said goodbye, and continued to behave civilly. As it I didn’t create a draft for the term paper, and I finally wrote the final paper out of whole cloth six hours before it was due. It was, of course, received favorably. He asked me in an email to meet him in his office; he wanted to know my plans after college. I said, truthfully, that I had been thinking about taking a civil job in one of the war countries (“it’s like Catch-22, no one rational could possibly want to go there”), but now was thinking more about going to the oil slick states and helping with cleanup – I’m told there’s jobs being handed out there, even to out-of-state people, because BP is desperate to recoup face and can afford to throw money at it.
He asked me if I was planning to stay here and I said “no”, which was actually the wrong answer since it’s never wise to be committal about one’s plans. Regardless, he encouraged me to come by should I need opportunity after college. I thanked him and said I’d think about it and left. He didn’t realize it, but this made me very angry.
Yesterday, I got an email from him,
Quote:
Ethan,
I enjoyed your participation. If you stick around UMB, come see me. I like your style.
Today the second set of summer courses started. This one was taught by a French guy - one of those foreigners who become infatuated with the American business ethic with all the zeal of the convert. Naturally, Aestu's personality came into play. Twice he called me out for "sleeping" in class; I wasn't, actually, I was slipping into introspection, I'd heard everything he said. "I had this funny dream, I was in a classroom listening to a French professor lecture about XXX."
At one point we learned about...diminishing returns. "So, you get a paycheck, the first time, you feel really good! The second time, ehh, not so much. And the third time?" He expectantly looked at me.
"You go immune?" I replied querulously. He stared at me, his expression reading, "dunce". None of the nine other students registered any expression.
He called on each student at various points in class - only about ten people in the entire class. I was asked,
"Do you know what Pandora is?" (with reference to the Internet music program I hadn't ever heard of).
"Yes - the first woman." He made that grandiose dismissive gesture French people do meaning "you are worthless" with waving their arms and hands downward while turning on their hips and turning away.
"Are you a good student?" He asked this of each individual student before asking me.
I answered in characteristic Aestu fashion, matter-of-factly. "No." At this, the four Chinese and Japanese in the room pivoted in their chairs and stared at me. This offended his "can-do" vision and turned away with that same French gesture.
He at one point asked the entire class, in his very heavily accented and somewhat broken English, "Have you ever heard that story, the one of...the ant...and...the insect...the ant in winter and spring..." No one in the room knew what he was talking about, and his bad English didn't help. It slowly dawned on me what he was talking about.
"The Ant and the Grasshopper," I said loudly. He turned to me and his eyes widened - he felt touched that one person at least knew. "Yes...the Ant and the Grasshopper." It's one of Aesop's Fables, something I was raised with, but very very few young people these days have heard it, and certainly for the Asians it was alien to their culture. Being raised in a parallel universe pays off sometimes.
"People don't typically purchase art online, you know, pretend this poster is a [he named a French artist and scowled that of course the name drew blank looks from the whole room]. How can you verify that? It doesn't happen."
"Escrow," I said. "Sothby's uses it online all the time." Again his eyes widened. Several times during the remainder of the three-hour class he made a point of looking at me and making mention of "escrow", probably amazed I knew of the word and Sothbys.
As I left after class he continued to stare at me.
I also mentioned that Persian girl who had gone on a non-date with me, last week, which I spent, in characteristic Aestu fashion, preaching her the Aestu school of conflict resolution. What I didn't mention was, shortly before we parted, she suddenly said,
Quote:
Ethan, you lied. You said you think people are evil, but then...I saw you, you gave that street musician two quarters because you felt it was right...you would not have done that if you really hated people like you say...
I was very taken aback by this.
At a loss for words, all I could say at first was, "You're very clever." I got hold of myself and said, "well, all you can do in life...is try to do the right thing..." I then started talking about my father. She was shocked to learn he was blind, gouty, and wracked by intense physical pain from migraines and kidney stones yet worked a full-time job. "Why doesn't he just go on disability? My boyfriend and some family are..." "Because he could not live with himself as a man if he did that. Once, my mother mentioned this person on disability, for some superficial thing, and she said, 'whatever else may be said about your father, your father is a giant compared to that man.'" "It's very difficult, you know, you take the good with the bad. My parents did so many things so terribly wrong and yet they did some things right. That was how I was raised - 'you must learn three things in life, to be a good man, to learn a trade, and to swim".
I always do give money to street musicians who make good, original performances that are nice to listen to. Each time I do I can see "+Karma" pop up on my irl SCT. I keep telling myself I am farming for "True Mortal".
A few days later, my parents sent me a tacky “Twilight Zone” themed birthday card and fifty dollars in cash. I ripped up the card and dunked it in pineapple juice then cut up the bills and mailed it all back with a letter,
Quote:
I don't really grasp why you would send me money and a tacky card for my birthday, considering that I already get all my money from you to buy whatever I might want or need, and also considering that I've always hated my birthday, now more than ever that I look back at a bitter life and forward to a bleak future. But I will supply you with suggestions as to what gifts you could have given me instead…
…followed by about three pages of various complaints about the ways in which they’d gravely undermined my life over the years. Which was all true and legitimate, very much so.
Today, the Persian called me up while I was at lunch, in a jovial mood. "Hey Ethan, my boyfriend just broke up with me", not the other way around. I was very surprised at this - I did not expect that she would have had the strength to let go. I know from my own self how hard that can be. "Well, you must be very upset, he was your first love, and you were close for a long time..." "No, no, I felt sad Saturday, but now I feel very free...I feel great. You know, I learned what they were doing with those checks - he was passing them on for others' use." "Well, that speaks for itself." "Yes, it does." Then she said her mother was calling and had to, and told me to call her later.
I had misjudged her, too.
I then took the bus home. I sat and read a book, as I do. The fattest man I've ever laid eyes on sat next to me, shoving me aside; it was instantly clear this wasn't an act of rudeness or indifference; he was simply so huge he was accustomed to mindlessly imposing in such a way because he couldn't get by any other way. He carried with him a gallon water jug half full of milkshake and a plastic box filled with leftovers; he chomped on a ham sandwich. A thought suddenly filled my head and with two seconds' hesitation I couldn't resist the urge to verbalize it. I said, very matter-of-factly,
Quote:
I see that "from each man's ability, to each man's needs, applies to seats on the tram too, huh?
I then returned to my reading.
The man did not get angry as I had feared; already I was thinking how exactly to handle a furious ball of lard probably close to three times my mass. Instead he froze. He stopped chomping the sandwich...slowly recoiled...placed the sandwich in the box...and closed it. Along the ride his fingers clamped the box and I heard the seal click. He stared abjectly forward. I realized this man had an epiphany.
At some level I felt pleased I was able to help this man in characteristic Aestu way. At another level I was very surprised, and didn't feel...proud. I felt a bit sad, actually.
I've been watching and reading a lot of old Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes lately. Being depressed I don't feel like experiencing new things, so I resign myself to nostalgia. I felt like watching this particular one again. I've often said Shade of Aran reminds me of my father.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGVAx8YQ19A[/youtube]
This is, of course, a narcissistic, attention seeking rant, I freely admit that. But I felt I had to type it out - to get it off my chest.
